So, I had a nice weekend- exhausting but nice. I didn't have to go and see CC as his best friend (also a coke head and a drunk- how lovely) went up on Saturday and his parents went up Sunday so I got the weekend off so to speak. My sister and Baby Hannah came over on Saturday and we spent the day together just hanging out here- it was nice and then Sunday S and her 2 and her sister and her 2 came over as we haven't even seen each other for Christmas yet- isn't that ridiculous? My very best friend in the world and we haven't even seen each other for Christmas- unacceptable! So anyway they came, we hung out, we played, we laughed, we ate- it was nice. So on the CC front- he's been good- he's getting ancy now, it's getting boring he says and he just wants to come home to start practicing everything he has been taught and see how he fairs on the outside. He is still scared of going back to work- but unless we win the lottery which is unlikely, you gotta work my friend. So anyway we'll see- I just keep telling him I have to see what happens when he gets out. I told him that this was his one and only chance to make things work or its goodbye. I told him I still really haven't made a decision as to what I want to do - if I can be with him again- like we were- or rather like we should have been - it will be so hard for me- but anyway let's pretend I can- let's pretend I can get past these things- I told him this is make or break anyway- if he relapses that's it- not only will he loose me- but the kids too- we are a package deal I told him- and if he decides he can't live without the drugs or drinking well then he'll have to live without us- I will not have my boys growing up treating women with disrespect and I will not have my boys growing up to be drinkers or getting into the drug shit- the cycle stops here- no more and if you can't be committed to your kids and me and be committed to staying away from drugs and alcohol then you will not be a part of their lives- I will not have it- I even went so far as to tell him I would take the kids and run if I was ordered to give him visitation- my children will have no part of him unless he he changes his ways for good- not just for a couple of months or years for that matter. This is it my friend. One chance to save your life, your marriage and your relationship with your kids- the first sign of things going astray you are out on your ass and you can die for all I care-I cannot let this ruin my children- no fucken way..... OH... My .....I felt like I was talking to him again just then. I was getting all heated all over again.. ok whew... take a breath....
I just talked to him- he sounds really down- I try to be encouraging and supportive but there is still this part of my that wants to say "that's what you get" "You did this to yourself" "it's your own fault you are there so fucken deal with it". It is very difficult for me sometimes to not say things like that I want to- I want to so badly- but then I worry that me getting on him like that or saying those things will push him back to what he was doing- but then I cannot tip toe around him- I cannot worry that things I say t0 him will make him go back to it- if he's gonna do it he will do it - right? I am not going to live my life being all nicey nice just so he won't do drugs- I mean I can't right? That isn't realistic is it now? I simply have to say what I have to say when I want to say it- or do I ? Fuck, I don't even know what to do anymore. I just worry that when he gets out things will slowly slip back into the way they were- not necessarily him doing drugs- just the same old thing- same hum drum shit of him not being involved, him not taking an interest in anything- he has to finish all of his steps- he's really only on step one right so it is up to him to continue them on when he gets out- I wonder if he can- I don't know how that all works- I just don't know anymore about anything. sigh....
3 comments:
Keep breathing Jenna,
And remember you DO NOT have to participate in his emotional turmoil. That is his ride, and will probably be a rocky one for some time to come. He is facing a lot, none of it easy, but you get to stop being a co-dependent now, and just be Jenna and Mommy. You are doing a good job at both, so stay focused on that.
Hey Jenna,
What you’ve put here shows clearly that actually you know a lot. You know what you are willing to put up with. And you know that getting better is under his control. And that the one thing you do have control over is speaking up when you are being mistreated.
People who live with addicts have a lot to deal with, and can face a lot of problems. It’s a natural reaction to interacting with someone who has neglected you and lied to you for so long. It’s not mean or selfish to be thinking this. It’s the truth. It’s a consequence of his actions. I know you want him to get better, but I think the best way you can support him right now is by holding him accountable. Not just for his addiction, but for doing his part to make your marriage work.
Hope this doesn’t come across strong or preachy. I know it’s easy for me to just read as an ‘outsider’ and make comments. I’m no expert on this. If you do want more support though, I have heard that rehab centers usually have group meetings and even personal consultations to offer guidance to people who are close to an addict.
It’s completely understandable that you feel a bit lost at times. But it sounds to me ike you’re doing a good job so far and I’m so glad to hear you speaking your mind to him.
In the mean time, enjoy your children and make plans for your self. You deserve it.
Sending lots of encouragement your way!
I do agree with "learn" about going to the group for those who are close to those in recovery...if for no other reason than to learn first hand what he is hearing.
And maybe so you meet others who are battling what you are.
hang in there girl.
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