DAY 15

So- here we are 15 days into treatment. He seems different- if you've read my other blogs you will have an idea about what I am talking about- and if you know CC at all- you will have noted a big difference just in things he has said or talked about recently that I have written about. Anyway he seems to be doing very well- accepting he is an addict and alcoholic and that he indeed needs to be there. He is hell bent on fixing his family and being an intricate part of our lives regardless of what I decide to do. That of course is encouraging, but obviously I am not getting my hopes up- not this time. I am desperately trying to keep a handle on things here with no money coming in and having to borrow money from his family mainly just to pay the mortgage and bills, plus keeping up the facade to the kids that everything is honky dory, and everything else life throws at me on a daily basis. We (I) had a scare with Curly about 2 weeks ago wherein I had to rush him to the hospital because he was peeing blood! We are still in the works with all of that- they can't figure out why. Then of course as if I didn't need any more drama, Little Man has gotten slightly sick with a cold, but as always, with a cold comes the asthma, and at many times throughout the past few days I have been on the verge of rushing him in for his mask treatments. So, the idea of me even having a moment to consider what has happened over the past 2 months is just ridiculous as sad as that is. But like I said, he seems to be catching the play- he's very open and honest and sounds genuinely excited to talk to me each night and asks to talk to the kids everytime which never happened when he was away- I'm trying to keep things in perspective- I'm trying not to get sucked in although sometimes it seems like I am, even to myself- I don't want to live my life being on the defensive either- but it is so hard not to be when you have been burnt as many times as I have. I can have hope, and I certainly do- but I have to just keep it real- accept that I may very well have to start over alone (with my kids alone I mean) and that I tried my best but couldn't get past certain issues- that very well may be what happens- I just don't know yet- I am so confused- all the time.