LETTERS NEVER SENT 1

Dear __________;

I saw you in a video yesterday- other than pictures, it is the first time I have seen your face, or heard your voice in years. My heart stopped the minute you came on screen and I could barely catch my breath. It seemed like it was only a few months ago that we stayed up late into the night, laughing- always laughing. And even when distance and life separated us, we were still us and we still could pick up that phone and go right back to where we left off.
It breaks my heart that you aren't here anymore. I am still confused and sad. I don't really know what happened and no one is talking- even now- 5 years later. I saw a picture of your little ones, who are not so little anymore and I wonder how they get through the day- without their mamma or their daddy. And I hate myself for not being there for them- and how everything became so busy and overwhelming. I am sure they don't even remember me. It bothers me that you never saw my kids, you never saw my babies and it bothers me that at the very moment I was watching over them- trying to get them home with me- you were dying and I never knew. Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you just once call me and tell me?! I would have come- I would have sat by you and we would have laughed and talked and you would have had someone there- Why didn't you just call me? I am angry that your family never called me either- not even when you died. I am angry because it was over a month after that I got the call- I didn't even get to go to your funeral. And as ironic as it all is- the last time I actually saw you in person was at your husband's funeral. And I thought then- how will you make it without him- he was your world... And less than a year later- you went to him- and even though I have the comfort of knowing you are together- I want you here-
I see your face all the time in crowds or while I am driving and I can't remember how many times something would happen and I would say Oh ______ would get a kick out of this- or I can't wait to tell ____ about this- I gotta call ______. Oh I miss you terrible. I wish you were still here- I am sorry I didn't know and didn't call and didn't see you more often- I am sorry your babies will grow up without you- and I am sorry I will too. You were such a big part of my life for so long. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you...

NEW "SEGMENT"

Ok so I don't know about you all, but I am certainly tired of talking about CC and all of his bullshit and MY RIDICULOUS LIFE. So, Along with my SECRETS and SADNESS and GRATEFUL posts, I am adding a new one.. LETTERS NEVER SENT. There have been so many times I have either written someone physically or just wrote them a letter in my mind and never sent it or bothered even to write it down and send it- so I am going to start posting them here- one rule- you are not allowed to ask me who the letters are for- I won't tell you anyway, you can just leave it to your imagination.. it'll keep ya guessing anyway .. so stay tuned. I was going to do one now, but it's almost one in the morning and I just finished cleaning the 100 gallon fish tank ( Yuk yuk) and I feel the need to shower- like now.. plus Pickle is very sick (poor little lamb) and I am sure she will be up a hundred times tonight so I better get my business done and get some sleep... talk to you all soon...

PICKLE AND THE TOOTH

OK amidst all the chaos of MY RIDICULOUS LIFE ( I think that is my new catch phrase or whatever you call it- or perhaps the title of the book everyone keeps telling me to write) Pickle's tooth finally came out- with a little coaxing- and a whole mess O' drama- I ended up making a 20 minute DVD of the entire thing from the moment we learned of her loose tooth right up until the tooth fairy visit- it turned out pretty cool- anyway here's pic of Pickles' gap...too cute..

IT'S JUST KILLING YOU ISN'T IT?

Yes, I know, all of you are just dying to know what the hell is going on in my ridiculous life.. (insert sarcasm here). To make a long story short- because honestly I don't feel like taking about it at all really, CC went back to Sarnia to work- and swore up down that nothing was going to go on, he wasn't about to throw it all away again blah blah blah... he was gone until Saturday night, was on his way home and after he was like MIA for like 2 hours- I found him (via Bell seek & find - a GPS kinda thing on our cell phones ) at his little boyfriend Fatasses.. I called him and freaked out- he came home and I didn't speak to him at all- and the next morning- the kids and I got up and I left him a piss jar and a note asking him too pee in it because I had- oh yes I had, purchased home drug tests and he was going to prove to me he wasn't up to anything. So he claims he didn't see it- he stalled, he hummed and hawed, and finally came down with the container that looked remarkably clear. I said- this ain't piss my friend and he was all- yes it is, drink it then- I almost did- but gave him the benefit and dipped the stick- and what do you know- everything came out negative.. so then I think- no this isn't right- and I stuck my finger in it- and it was ice cold- I was laughing- I was like are you that fucken pathetic that you think you can get away with cold water as your piss? And then I thought holy fuck, I know what he did- that morning Curly came in and used my bathroom and I told him not to flushed so as not to wake up Daddy- he fucken scooped the piss out of the toilet and tried to pass it off as his own! Can you believe it? I was like are you fucken kidding me? Of course he denied it and finally after I asked him if he thought it was possible that he could piss this cold, he said he pissed in the toilet and then scooped it out- HA! What a fucken looser- so the day goes on and I remind him constantly that he will piss in a cup and he will do it in front of me or he can pack his shit and walk out that door forever- so yadda yadda yadda day goes on, and then just about an hour before he is leaving to go back- he does it- and I test it and what do you think happened? Oh you got it- positive for cocaine... what a fucken surprise- the fact is, I wouldn't have really been upset if it had of come up positive for pot- (it's a 5 drug test- like it tests for 5 different things- most of which I haven't heard of) but anyway so I just laughed at him- told him he was a looser and had no balls and what a fucken surprise- the second he goes back out there it all starts again- and then of course I bring up his girlfriend and he swears he hasn't seen or talked to her- Oh just like you haven't been doing drugs?? Yah, that's what I thought- so basically I told him to go then- get the rest of your shit and go I can't do it anymore- no hard feelings, no crying - no nothing- just go- I can't do this anymore- I can't live through one more lie- one more disappointment- one more glimmer of hope for a better life that is snatched away from me- just go then.. just go.. so off he went - after having an extremely uncomfortable final dinner with the kids- and then of course he calls me crying saying he is sorry and claims he didn't even do it in Sarnia- that it was here before he left when he did it - Bullshit- and it was only a tiny small line- BULLSHIT- and it was only one time- BULLSHIT and that someone from work gave it to him BULLSHIT (last I checked, people don't walk around giving out coke for free) and so I told him I have done my research- that I know it only stays in your system 3-5 days and 5 days is pushing it unless you have done a lot- so the lies pile up on top of each other and I know he has nothing more to say or nothing else to lie about because he has confused himself so much.. and I hang up- and try to continue on with my evening with the kids and try to hold it together and my heart felt so heavy- and sad- and even though- just like all the other times, I knew something was happening, there is always that part of you that thinks maybe I am wrong- maybe this time he will surprise me... but it never seems to work out that way... it just never does. So how did we leave it? Well, it's interesting because nothing has been discussed really- I keep trying to get the nerve up to call the lawyer and try to figure out what the next step is, but I am paralyzed by it all, and just as I said that I didn't want to talk about it- I also don't want to think about it- I want to pretend that none of this is happening. I just don't want to deal with this at all- not today, and maybe not tomorrow... I just don't wanna! I feel like throwing myself down on the ground and kicking my feet and pounding my fists and crying- I don't wanna! I don't wanna! It's not fair! it's not fair!... maybe I will...

The first section is coke, second pot, third opiates etc... one line is positive- 2- negative..... what an ass....

YADDA YADDA YADDA

Ok I only have a second to write so I will just say a couple of point form things- just to keep you coming back for mo'!

* Guess where CC is right now? (Well, since last week sometime- don't even remember when)- SARNIA! Yes the very same place he was before, where his girlfriend lives, where he did drugs and lied to me for months... yep... that is where he is.....

* Got my nicotine replacement patches in- 6 weeks worth- I'm afraid to put one on.. I don't know if I am ready...

* Haven't even touched my course for my diploma yet - even though I got it in a month ago... no drive- none....

ok that is all I have right now- can't think too straight today- my van is fucked and it is worrying me and I'm tired...

SADNESS

Took my Christmas clock down today- time for me to accept that Christmas is over.....

HIDE IN YOUR DREAMS

So aren't I just the blogger today- anyway got to do something to keep my mind off things- I had a dream last night c/o Facebook and the old friends I have found. It was about this guy I used to have a massive crush on in high school and even though I never went out with him or really even hung with him all that much- I had this realistic dream last night that we met up (now not then) and I was in his sister's house (whom I don't even know) and we stayed up all night talking and it was that feeling you get when you have a crush on someone and your heart is pounding and you are giddy and shy and happy all at the same time. Nothing happened in the dream or anything- oh wait maybe a kiss- but nothing major and honestly I feel nothing- like I have not had any conscious thoughts of hooking up with him - not to mention the fact that he has changed oooohhh so much since high school (haven't we all) in soooo many ways.. but anyway, I woke up feeling young and wanted to go back into my dream and hide for a while. And then of course, I rolled over and saw CC and that just ruined everything..... sigh...

GRATEFUL POST- VOID

Ok I was going to write about another thing I was grateful for a few weeks ago and of course got distracted and forgot about it- and then once I remembered- it didn't seem to make sense anymore. I was going to write about how, even though I have had my share of problems with CC that I was still immensely grateful for the fact that I was able to stay at home with the kids and not have to go back to work and spend a fortune on daycare and have someone else raise them.. So I guess I am still grateful for that- but I hate him so I really don't want to say anything positive about him right now... so forget it....

SECRET 5

I went the entire weekend braless... and for me- not wise, not attractive at all- but if I could get away without wearing one ever again- then I would... sometimes I hate being a girl.....

IGNORING CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOORRRRLLLLLDDDDDD..............

Ok so I have managed for the past 2 days to ignore CC and not say a single word to him - not a one. He slept most of the weekend away (surprise surprise) and the kids and I went about our business and I literally ignored him- pretended he wasn't even there and it was not so bad! It was tolerable! When he came down to watch tv- I found something for me and the kids to do upstairs- like homework or I gave them a bath or I got the kids to help me put laundry away etc. For a time on Sunday I watched an entire movie on my computer with headphones while the kids played- incidentally I finally got to watch Talladega Nights which is, I have to say one of the funniest movies I have ever seen- I mean I was laughing out loud- I really enjoyed it- Anything with Wil Ferrel though is funny you have to admit.. anyway so this morning I dropped the kids off at school- ran over to Walmart for a few things and got a coffee and what do you know - he is still fucken sleeping.. nice life. So now he has just completely ruined my week too- I am to babysit Baby H this week and next and now he's going to be here- fuck sakes- now I have to deal with him and his fucken attitude because god forbid I should do something for someone else. Anyway just biding my time... and praying for my ship to come on so I can sail away on it...

LA--OOO--OOSER !!!!!

Well well well.... you know when someone is down on the ground writhing in pain? Do you really think that is an appropriate time to go and kick them? Or perhaps piss on them ? No- it isn't yet someone obviously does because not only is CC back to his old tricks again- but he got laid off last night- the whole crew of them- then on the way back home gets a speeding ticket- goes to Fatasses house and comes home at 1 a.m. and after I confront him he admits to having "a couple of pints" which he didn't because there was no trace of it I could smell- so which means inevitably he is back to doing coke again. SO I told him (which is true) that he better fess up to whatever it is he is doing because the drug tests I ordered will (hopefully) be here in a couple of days (I had to order it from the states because unlike the US you can't go into a drug store or what not and buy them-)and he will do it- and if he doesn't he is lying obviously and if he does do it and its positive- well he's out so unless that test comes up negative- he's fucked - So now he has no job again and I have to see his fucken face daily now for who knows how long- then he started saying he was going to go out west to work- fuck he should just go - then I could separate from him and not have to have him here in my face or near me or the kids- I could establish the fact he doesn't live here again and have a status quo for the courts meaning he was paying the mortgage here and so the separation agreement would state he has to continue that. So anyway the master plan I had started is fucked now because now he is out of work again and there is no money- I started up a bank account last week and started putting money in it- just $20.00 here or there when I knew he wouldn't miss it so I wouldn't be left high and dry- or if there was something I wanted to get for the kids or me without Mr Selfish going on about Ohh wahh wahh I want to get my new tattoo or boo hoo I want a big screen tv or the Wii or whatever- so that all goes to hell... What a fucken jerk...... I am so mad that I got built back up again- and had that hope that everything was going to work out somehow and it was all going to be ok - he's such a fucken loser.

FACEBOOK= OBSESSHON! (Adam Sandler voice)

OK< for those of you who are not yet on it- I have found FACEBOOK and I love it- what? What do you mean? Jenna- after everything that has been going on you come here and talk about FACEBOOK? What gives? Well my dear friends- FACEBOOK is my way of hiding- oh yes, hiding from the real world- I have been zapped into the past - re-connecting with old lost friends... and I am never coming back!

CAN'T BREATHE.....

So I dropped the kids off at school and just went out- drove around, went to this store, that store- for nothing in particular- just so I didn't have to be in the same house as him planning his demise... So I was in this one clothing store- not even really looking at anything- just wondering and "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" came on- and I started to bawl... why? I do not know- the song is not particularly sad or happy or anything- I think it was because it reminded me of when I was a kid- I had the 45 (does anyone even know what that is? HA) and I used to listen to it all the time - I don't know but I rushed back to my car and sat and cried and smoked until I had to pick the kids up from school. I'm tired of it- I am so tired- I said to myself before- that the next time there would be no tears and poor me's- that I was detached enough to walk away- but fuck this hurts- just fucken hurts, what the hell have I ever done to deserve this? I mean seriously- especially to him- I sat and listened to music and cried and you know what- the honest to God truth is that if I didn't have the kids- I would probably do something really bad- Anyway I sat there in the parking lot and left with only a couple of minutes to spare before I had to get the kids. I literally drove into the driveway, parked and then walked over to the school and on our way back I can see him in the bathroom window- peeking behind the blinds watching, waiting. We were in the house a good 10 minutes before he came down asking me for a smoke. I gave him one and minutes later he was back upstairs for a long time (probably looking for clothes to wear as I have neglected - purposely of course to do his laundry for the past 2 weeks) he comes down, kisses the kids (well, what do you fucken know) and then comes to kiss me at which point I turn my head- and he walks out the door. And now here I sit - on the verge of tears, mind blown, heart aching, trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do - and knowing full well how limited my options are- and he doesn't even care- doesn't even flinch you know- if that were me I would be breaking down - begging for mercy- for forgiveness "I slipped, I'm sorry" - anything- but no- this is CC we are talking about- close our eyes and pretend nothing is happening- such crap.. such utter bullshit- anyway he saw the note I wrote across the whole back of his car (written in dust, dirt you know ) it simply read FUCKEN LIAR ......

LIAR

So I am sitting here- so desperate and stupid thinking that those lottery tickets I bought this morning are going to be winners and I can give him his half and get the fuck out of here- And the desperation is so ridiculous I have even been having thoughts of running over to the casino when I drop the kids back at school this afternoon- talk about delusional. I don't know exactly what is going on, but something is and I am preparing myself for the worst. Woke up out of a dead sleep at 6 a.m. this morning and CC wasn't in bed - so I lied there for a while and thought well he must still be downstairs -so, after all the other thoughts ran through my head I got my ass up and checked and sure enough he wasn't even home. So I called his cell- and he quite innocently told me he was at Fatass' house (the guy he works with- you know the one he lived in Sarnia with and did all those horrible things with) so I was like why? we are playing cards he says- so I am like what the fuck- did you even go to work? he says yes, I tell him I don't understand why the fuck he feels it necessary to go to some one's house after you have worked all night to play cards at 5 in the morning. He's acting like what's the big deal- what ever do you mean? Like a stupid fuck... anyway he says he'll be home soon- whatfuckenever- so then I hear his car pull in and I let the dog out for a pee only he's taking a long time to come in so I walk down the walkway and see him putting something in his trunk and he sees me then and I ask him what he is doing and he says he's getting his lunch bag. I was all why is it in your trunk? He always throws it in the back seat- then proceeds to tell me they are driving with yet another guy and he had to make room. So he comes in and I am telling him I know he is up to something and he is lying- and he's denying and whatnot and I tell him of he isn't lying then he won;t mind taking a drug test to prove it- and he says- and if it comes up negative? And I say- then I will apologize- and he says I think I would deserve more than an apology... and that was it- I snapped, I lost it- I said you deserve more than apology? You do? What about me? What have I done? What have I ever done to you ? And he says nothing- and I said that's right but all I got was shit on and a half hearted apology- you fucked around on me - you lied and did all your fucken drugs and I stood by and helped you mother fucker and you think I owe you- I owe you nothing but a kick in the balls you fucken prick and you are so lucky you haven't gotten that yet- don't you ever say you are owed anything- and then he got up and went to bed.. so I get the kids ready for school and then I go out to check the car- his back seat is full of papers and shit- he never drove anyone unless they sat on all of it which I doubt- LIE - then I check his trunk to see what he was hiding and there stuffed into his hard hat is all of his lunch (most of it- the rest was still in his lunch bag) that I had made him for that night. So I storm into our room- he is now pretending he is sleeping- and I say nice try fucker I know you are awake- you are done- he's all why? I said what the fuck is your lunch doing in your trunk? It fell out he says (if you saw his lunch bag you too would know he was a fucken liar) and I said it did eh- it all magically fell out ? And he's all yeah so I just left it- Oh you just left 3 sandwiches and cucumbers and everything else just lying in your trunk but put the other stuff back in? Yeah he says- all annoyed... And you didn't eat your lunch because......? He has no answer. So here we go again... he's fucken lying and he's doing something and so now I know this is it- it's done- I am done- I am not doing this anymore- Got to get my head together and figure something out- he has to leave- I have to do something- this cannot go on... Fuck I am so mad- it fucken pisses me off that now my life has to change because of his fuck ups and his shit- me and the kids have to start over because of his fucken shit.. I am so fucken tired.. I am just so tired and broken...

UMPALOOMPAS

So, Thursday night I am hanging out with the kids and my bestest friend calls so I went upstairs into my room to talk to her so I could have a normal conversation without interruption. So anyway I am up there maybe 5 minutes and here comes Little Pickle... She says to me "Do you notice anything different about me?" And I look, and I really didn't and then.. it hit me.. she cut her hair! She had taken her "safety scissors" and cut off all of her bangs. Now her bangs were quite long, and we actually were supposed to all go get hair cuts that day but because Little Man had just gotten out of the hospital early that morning I was like fuck that noise, I am not traipsing 3 kids to a barbershop today.. So anyway I gasped when I realized what she did, she panicked and started bawling "it's all my fault, it's all my fault" (that's her favourite dramatic line) and she's just hysterical, tears flowing- so S is still on the phone with me and she's laughing and I'm trying not to- and Pickle is just loosing it "I don't' even look like me!" on and on- and then she stands up- looks at herself in my mirror and with tears streaming, she cries out " I LOOK LIKE WILLY WONKA!" and she flops down on the bed and cries some more. Well, at this point I am just dying laughing and so is S. I am trying to tell her it is not so bad and we can fix it (yeah right) and she finally calms down.. I guess it isn't too too bad- I am used to her having longer bags- but it'll grow- it is pretty uneven though.. and wouldn't ya know- in another week or so the school is having their "graduation" photos done for them for graduating form Kindergarten to grade one so she'll have some lovely bangs for that photo! I'm going to post a pic her- its not too bad really- but man I wish the video camera was rolling for all of that- too funny!

TAKE A DEEP BREATH

So on Wednesday I was back at the hospital with Little Man. Just the day before he started with a runny nose but the next day he was waking me at 6 a.m. coughing and crying. I knew it wasn't good. I kept them all home from school for the morning- no one wanted to get up anyway. So in the afternoon I took Curly and Pickle over to school and then Little Man and I were off to the hospital. Even though there was like a 3 hour wait- they took him right in- his SAT levels were so low. So we started with a mask of course and then a dose of steroids. It didn't do too much- so after another 2 mask treatments, they sent us home with a prescription for more steroids and orders to watch him to see if he got any better. So I race home, and in the meantime CC had gotten the other 2 from school- I had just enough time to get Pickle dressed and off we go to dance school. While she is in class, I run over to get Little Man's prescription filled, back to pick up Pickle and home to get everyone dinner. When I get home Little Man is crying and I could hear he was wheezing and coughing a lot. I get diner ready and realize he isn't getting any better. I pack a bag of colouring books and crayons and decide it's best to take him back- he sounded worse! Sure enough he was, his SAT levels were even lower than before... so, long story short-chest x-rays, another 4 mask treatments, and 2 more doses of steroids and we were home at 4 A.M.! They wanted to admit him but I didn't want that- so I agreed if the last mask didn't do anything we would - needless to say it it worked - he was doing much better by the time we left and I got him home and right into bed. What a long long long night- I still haven't fully caught up on all my sleep.. he's doing better though- poor little lamb... Now we just have to get Curly fixed up- waiting now for an appointment for a urologist- in JUNE! Jesus...

LIFE WITH A PICKLE

Ok so the drama has escalated with the loose tooth- still in- still wiggly- but not yet ready to come out. So the other night, Pickle was eating something and she must have bit the wrong way and kinda nudged her loose tooth- there was a tiny tiny bit of blood and of course she carried on like a lunatic for ages. So that night, I am tucking her in and this is how our conversation went....

P: " Aren't you so worried about me?"
ME: " Why?"
P: " Because of my tooth!"
ME: " I'm not worried Pickle, it's just a part of life. It'll all be alright."
P: " But I don't want my tooth to fall out."
ME: " Pickle you have been waiting to get a loose tooth for ages- I thought you wanted your tooth to come out?"
P: " Well, I thought I did but I didn't know there would be blood so I think I changed my mind. I'm just so nervous."
ME: " About what?"
P:" About the tooth fairy- I don't think I am ready to see her."
ME:" Well, you won't see her, she comes at night when you are sleeping."
Pickle with a big sigh and worried look : " I guess I'm just not used to fairies... let's talk about this tomorrow mama..."


Geez.....

OK, OK, I HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING- I THINK

OK so after the "incident" at school the other day I made Little Man write apology notes to the teacher, the principal and the boy in question. We had a little talk about language and I started up the reward charts again- we stopped doing them over the Christmas holidays- I guess I had other things on my mind at the time (ya think??!!) anyway back to reward for good behavior - so we will see what happens... sigh.. I couldn't stop thinking about it- I mean it was funny- well, the letter was funny anyway but I don't want my Little Man to be known as the kid with the potty mouth....

JUST LOVELY....

So Little Man did something real bad in school today- 5 years old and we are already getting sent to the principal. Juuuuusst... grrrreat.... this is the letter that got sent home- he had to sign it- the teacher wrote it out....