CAN'T BREATHE.....

So I dropped the kids off at school and just went out- drove around, went to this store, that store- for nothing in particular- just so I didn't have to be in the same house as him planning his demise... So I was in this one clothing store- not even really looking at anything- just wondering and "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" came on- and I started to bawl... why? I do not know- the song is not particularly sad or happy or anything- I think it was because it reminded me of when I was a kid- I had the 45 (does anyone even know what that is? HA) and I used to listen to it all the time - I don't know but I rushed back to my car and sat and cried and smoked until I had to pick the kids up from school. I'm tired of it- I am so tired- I said to myself before- that the next time there would be no tears and poor me's- that I was detached enough to walk away- but fuck this hurts- just fucken hurts, what the hell have I ever done to deserve this? I mean seriously- especially to him- I sat and listened to music and cried and you know what- the honest to God truth is that if I didn't have the kids- I would probably do something really bad- Anyway I sat there in the parking lot and left with only a couple of minutes to spare before I had to get the kids. I literally drove into the driveway, parked and then walked over to the school and on our way back I can see him in the bathroom window- peeking behind the blinds watching, waiting. We were in the house a good 10 minutes before he came down asking me for a smoke. I gave him one and minutes later he was back upstairs for a long time (probably looking for clothes to wear as I have neglected - purposely of course to do his laundry for the past 2 weeks) he comes down, kisses the kids (well, what do you fucken know) and then comes to kiss me at which point I turn my head- and he walks out the door. And now here I sit - on the verge of tears, mind blown, heart aching, trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do - and knowing full well how limited my options are- and he doesn't even care- doesn't even flinch you know- if that were me I would be breaking down - begging for mercy- for forgiveness "I slipped, I'm sorry" - anything- but no- this is CC we are talking about- close our eyes and pretend nothing is happening- such crap.. such utter bullshit- anyway he saw the note I wrote across the whole back of his car (written in dust, dirt you know ) it simply read FUCKEN LIAR ......