LETTERS NEVER SENT 1

Dear __________;

I saw you in a video yesterday- other than pictures, it is the first time I have seen your face, or heard your voice in years. My heart stopped the minute you came on screen and I could barely catch my breath. It seemed like it was only a few months ago that we stayed up late into the night, laughing- always laughing. And even when distance and life separated us, we were still us and we still could pick up that phone and go right back to where we left off.
It breaks my heart that you aren't here anymore. I am still confused and sad. I don't really know what happened and no one is talking- even now- 5 years later. I saw a picture of your little ones, who are not so little anymore and I wonder how they get through the day- without their mamma or their daddy. And I hate myself for not being there for them- and how everything became so busy and overwhelming. I am sure they don't even remember me. It bothers me that you never saw my kids, you never saw my babies and it bothers me that at the very moment I was watching over them- trying to get them home with me- you were dying and I never knew. Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you just once call me and tell me?! I would have come- I would have sat by you and we would have laughed and talked and you would have had someone there- Why didn't you just call me? I am angry that your family never called me either- not even when you died. I am angry because it was over a month after that I got the call- I didn't even get to go to your funeral. And as ironic as it all is- the last time I actually saw you in person was at your husband's funeral. And I thought then- how will you make it without him- he was your world... And less than a year later- you went to him- and even though I have the comfort of knowing you are together- I want you here-
I see your face all the time in crowds or while I am driving and I can't remember how many times something would happen and I would say Oh ______ would get a kick out of this- or I can't wait to tell ____ about this- I gotta call ______. Oh I miss you terrible. I wish you were still here- I am sorry I didn't know and didn't call and didn't see you more often- I am sorry your babies will grow up without you- and I am sorry I will too. You were such a big part of my life for so long. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you...