IT'S JUST KILLING YOU ISN'T IT?

Yes, I know, all of you are just dying to know what the hell is going on in my ridiculous life.. (insert sarcasm here). To make a long story short- because honestly I don't feel like taking about it at all really, CC went back to Sarnia to work- and swore up down that nothing was going to go on, he wasn't about to throw it all away again blah blah blah... he was gone until Saturday night, was on his way home and after he was like MIA for like 2 hours- I found him (via Bell seek & find - a GPS kinda thing on our cell phones ) at his little boyfriend Fatasses.. I called him and freaked out- he came home and I didn't speak to him at all- and the next morning- the kids and I got up and I left him a piss jar and a note asking him too pee in it because I had- oh yes I had, purchased home drug tests and he was going to prove to me he wasn't up to anything. So he claims he didn't see it- he stalled, he hummed and hawed, and finally came down with the container that looked remarkably clear. I said- this ain't piss my friend and he was all- yes it is, drink it then- I almost did- but gave him the benefit and dipped the stick- and what do you know- everything came out negative.. so then I think- no this isn't right- and I stuck my finger in it- and it was ice cold- I was laughing- I was like are you that fucken pathetic that you think you can get away with cold water as your piss? And then I thought holy fuck, I know what he did- that morning Curly came in and used my bathroom and I told him not to flushed so as not to wake up Daddy- he fucken scooped the piss out of the toilet and tried to pass it off as his own! Can you believe it? I was like are you fucken kidding me? Of course he denied it and finally after I asked him if he thought it was possible that he could piss this cold, he said he pissed in the toilet and then scooped it out- HA! What a fucken looser- so the day goes on and I remind him constantly that he will piss in a cup and he will do it in front of me or he can pack his shit and walk out that door forever- so yadda yadda yadda day goes on, and then just about an hour before he is leaving to go back- he does it- and I test it and what do you think happened? Oh you got it- positive for cocaine... what a fucken surprise- the fact is, I wouldn't have really been upset if it had of come up positive for pot- (it's a 5 drug test- like it tests for 5 different things- most of which I haven't heard of) but anyway so I just laughed at him- told him he was a looser and had no balls and what a fucken surprise- the second he goes back out there it all starts again- and then of course I bring up his girlfriend and he swears he hasn't seen or talked to her- Oh just like you haven't been doing drugs?? Yah, that's what I thought- so basically I told him to go then- get the rest of your shit and go I can't do it anymore- no hard feelings, no crying - no nothing- just go- I can't do this anymore- I can't live through one more lie- one more disappointment- one more glimmer of hope for a better life that is snatched away from me- just go then.. just go.. so off he went - after having an extremely uncomfortable final dinner with the kids- and then of course he calls me crying saying he is sorry and claims he didn't even do it in Sarnia- that it was here before he left when he did it - Bullshit- and it was only a tiny small line- BULLSHIT- and it was only one time- BULLSHIT and that someone from work gave it to him BULLSHIT (last I checked, people don't walk around giving out coke for free) and so I told him I have done my research- that I know it only stays in your system 3-5 days and 5 days is pushing it unless you have done a lot- so the lies pile up on top of each other and I know he has nothing more to say or nothing else to lie about because he has confused himself so much.. and I hang up- and try to continue on with my evening with the kids and try to hold it together and my heart felt so heavy- and sad- and even though- just like all the other times, I knew something was happening, there is always that part of you that thinks maybe I am wrong- maybe this time he will surprise me... but it never seems to work out that way... it just never does. So how did we leave it? Well, it's interesting because nothing has been discussed really- I keep trying to get the nerve up to call the lawyer and try to figure out what the next step is, but I am paralyzed by it all, and just as I said that I didn't want to talk about it- I also don't want to think about it- I want to pretend that none of this is happening. I just don't want to deal with this at all- not today, and maybe not tomorrow... I just don't wanna! I feel like throwing myself down on the ground and kicking my feet and pounding my fists and crying- I don't wanna! I don't wanna! It's not fair! it's not fair!... maybe I will...

The first section is coke, second pot, third opiates etc... one line is positive- 2- negative..... what an ass....