LIAR

So I am sitting here- so desperate and stupid thinking that those lottery tickets I bought this morning are going to be winners and I can give him his half and get the fuck out of here- And the desperation is so ridiculous I have even been having thoughts of running over to the casino when I drop the kids back at school this afternoon- talk about delusional. I don't know exactly what is going on, but something is and I am preparing myself for the worst. Woke up out of a dead sleep at 6 a.m. this morning and CC wasn't in bed - so I lied there for a while and thought well he must still be downstairs -so, after all the other thoughts ran through my head I got my ass up and checked and sure enough he wasn't even home. So I called his cell- and he quite innocently told me he was at Fatass' house (the guy he works with- you know the one he lived in Sarnia with and did all those horrible things with) so I was like why? we are playing cards he says- so I am like what the fuck- did you even go to work? he says yes, I tell him I don't understand why the fuck he feels it necessary to go to some one's house after you have worked all night to play cards at 5 in the morning. He's acting like what's the big deal- what ever do you mean? Like a stupid fuck... anyway he says he'll be home soon- whatfuckenever- so then I hear his car pull in and I let the dog out for a pee only he's taking a long time to come in so I walk down the walkway and see him putting something in his trunk and he sees me then and I ask him what he is doing and he says he's getting his lunch bag. I was all why is it in your trunk? He always throws it in the back seat- then proceeds to tell me they are driving with yet another guy and he had to make room. So he comes in and I am telling him I know he is up to something and he is lying- and he's denying and whatnot and I tell him of he isn't lying then he won;t mind taking a drug test to prove it- and he says- and if it comes up negative? And I say- then I will apologize- and he says I think I would deserve more than an apology... and that was it- I snapped, I lost it- I said you deserve more than apology? You do? What about me? What have I done? What have I ever done to you ? And he says nothing- and I said that's right but all I got was shit on and a half hearted apology- you fucked around on me - you lied and did all your fucken drugs and I stood by and helped you mother fucker and you think I owe you- I owe you nothing but a kick in the balls you fucken prick and you are so lucky you haven't gotten that yet- don't you ever say you are owed anything- and then he got up and went to bed.. so I get the kids ready for school and then I go out to check the car- his back seat is full of papers and shit- he never drove anyone unless they sat on all of it which I doubt- LIE - then I check his trunk to see what he was hiding and there stuffed into his hard hat is all of his lunch (most of it- the rest was still in his lunch bag) that I had made him for that night. So I storm into our room- he is now pretending he is sleeping- and I say nice try fucker I know you are awake- you are done- he's all why? I said what the fuck is your lunch doing in your trunk? It fell out he says (if you saw his lunch bag you too would know he was a fucken liar) and I said it did eh- it all magically fell out ? And he's all yeah so I just left it- Oh you just left 3 sandwiches and cucumbers and everything else just lying in your trunk but put the other stuff back in? Yeah he says- all annoyed... And you didn't eat your lunch because......? He has no answer. So here we go again... he's fucken lying and he's doing something and so now I know this is it- it's done- I am done- I am not doing this anymore- Got to get my head together and figure something out- he has to leave- I have to do something- this cannot go on... Fuck I am so mad- it fucken pisses me off that now my life has to change because of his fuck ups and his shit- me and the kids have to start over because of his fucken shit.. I am so fucken tired.. I am just so tired and broken...