DID YA MISS ME?????

Ok so I'm back from vacation- Actually I was back Saturday but honestly I needed the last couple of days to regroup and relax- no, no, not much relaxing on this vacation- I will get into it more later- let ya'll know about the details and such- it was good for the most part- but not much rest and relaxation. So I will post some pics here to give you a sneak preview of the week and fill you all in later - I have no motivation for anything right now....

TOTAL WASTE OF TIME

Ok so I am so mad at myself. Today I did nothing I mean absolutely fucken nothing- I started doing a hundred different things- but stopped. I have a list of 87 different things I need to do or get or pack before Saturday morning and considering my kids were actually good today - I could have done any number of them or better yet all of them but I didn't. I did fucken nothing from the time I got up until this very moment other than posting a blog and answering a few emails. What a waste- I just couldnt get myself to do a thing today- the kids are lucky they even got fed! Anyway I would just like to say that I would invite anyone to say "shoulda, coulda" Or "that's what you get" when on Friday night I am blogging about how much I have to do and poor me and boo hoo.... so there ya go- y'all can give it to me good then- I will deserve it.....

TEMPTATION

Shadows call you from the darkness
begging you to come with them.
You want to-
nothing keeps you here.
Mot love
not friendship
or hope.
But you decline.
You're not sure why;
and you probably won't know for years to come
but you stay
and hope someday
you'll be thankful you did...

I'M FEELING VECLEMPT- TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES

So today was a day- a bad day- It started off on such a great note, but soon enough even my surprise package couldn't keep the smile on my face.. It was just a bad day and Yes, I know we all have them (as I was reminded about 50 times tonight by the MIL) Anyway nothing significant happened- the kids were just extra super bad today- fighting, yelling, jumping, making a mess- just crazy, into everything - uncontrollable, disrespectful, crying, whining, screaming, rude, wasteful... oh my god take a breath girl! It was just a bad day. I had a lump in my throat all day- you know the one you get right before you are going to cry- and if someone says the wrong thing to you it hurts almost, until you swallow real hard and then the tears flow.... haven't gotten to that point yet- the lump is still there but I will wait until they go to bed (which is any second now). Anyway it wasn't just the kids its just everything- I am lonely and tired of cleaning up after the kids, never getting to finish anything, etc etc etc. And even though I have that light (vacation in T MINUS 3 DAYS, 12 HOURS AND COUNTING) there's just something missing- and maybe its just the hum drum of spending each and every waking moment with 3, 4-year olds who don't have the mental capacity to appreciate anything- or maybe it's that the In laws come over 3 times a week but yet I never get a break- they never say- go out-we'll stay here with the kids. Maybe it's because tonight when we took the kids to the park- there were all of these families there- husbands and wives with their children playing, just being together- and I know that even if CC was here- that would never be there with us- I think (and I am not exaggerating in any way) there was this one time when the kids were just under a year old that he came to the park with us- anyway maybe it's because I am scared that I am just not enough- and that yes it is too much for me and I have never been able to admit it- Maybe ME is just not enough for them- I always worry about splitting my time with them- making sure to pay attention to all of them- praise all of them.. doing enough with them, for them. Maybe I am just thinking all of this because it was a bad day- but I am afraid I am not enough and I am screwing up my kids- when it all becomes too much- I have no release- and I find myself screaming at them, and being angry. Maybe I am afraid I am going to turn out like my mother- an angry bitter fat old woman....

THE KINDNESS OF ALMOST STRANGERS

This morning I was pleasantly surprised by a knock on the door. When I opened it, there stood a delivery man (and a cute one at that) with a package for me! Well, first of all, a package, or anything I receive in the mail or otherwise is like Christmas to me. I looove getting mail! Anyway I had no idea what it could be so I opened it as quickly as I could and there were 3 books inside. I looked at the hand written notes tucked into a couple of the books and discovered they were from my new friend Patty- and I just about cried. A few blogs back I had written 25 random things about me and one of the things I had written was that I hadn't read a book in a very long time; and here were 3 new books for me to get started on. Now how is that- how is it that someone that I had just "met" (and we haven't even met officially by the way) would go out of their way- and do something for me - had me specifically in mind. I am just floored by the thoughtfulness and kindness she has shown me. In a recent blog of hers she had written about how hard it was for her to treat herself the same way she treats others- I too have a hard time being nice to me you know- and even though I should be giving her shit for yet again doing something for someone else- I just want to reach out and give her a big hug- because today I know someone thought about me and care enough to surprise me and made me feel good - so today I am sending a great big hug and thank you to a kind soul. And now, I am going to pour myself a cup of coffee and open up a book and read- until of course someone starts screaming for me or there is juice to clean up off the floor or they start wrestling or punching eachother. So thank you Patty- you really made my day......

A LITTLE BIT O' BRILLIANCE

I don't know who wrote this- but it is brilliant....

"Loving you, is giving you my heart, knowing you have the ability to break it but trusting that you won't"

SAYS WHO?

Apparently, this is what being born in November means....




Your Birth Month is November

Tolerant and inspirational, you are wise beyond your years.
You are universally sympathetic and a great humanitarian.

Your soul reflects: Compassion, friendship, and secret love

Your gemstone: Citrine

Your flower: Chrysanthemum

Your colors: Dark blue, red, and yellow

25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME

1. I am short
2. I have never liked my body - not even as a small child- (no I am not anorexic)
3. I have a phobia about cutting my hair even though it would probably look better short.
4. I am a packrat and loathe the thought of throwing things out (no, not food or garbage- just stuff)
5. I have an obsession with pictures- I take as many as a hundred a week.- Most of them suck though.
6. I have been with CC for 16 years (in 2 weeks) almost half of my life....
7. I used to be a very good singer- my school used to pay for me to go to music camps to sing to represent the school.
8. I also used to fit into a size 3- and in fact I still have jeans in a size 3 that I will for some reason, not throw out (see #4)
9. I looove chocolate- I could eat it for every meal- I really really could.
10. I have never in my life thrown up from drinking- and I have drunk a lot!
11. I have never tried acid or coke or anything like that- pot and mushrooms is as much as I have ever tried- I was too scared- still am.
12. Even though I have my precious beautiful triplets, I lost 7 before them and I still think about that a lot- even though I am eternally grateful to have the 3 I do.
13. I have a birthmark on my wrist that looks like a hickey.
14. Other than my wedding day, I have never had a manicure or pedicure. (and even then I only had fake nails put on- does that count?)
15. I smoke, and I have asthma. I quit when I was pregnant (each time) and I should never have started up again- but I did- DUMB!
16. I haven't worn my wedding rings in about 2 years.
17. I haven't read a book (other than kiddie books) in about 5 years- maybe more- that's brutal.
18. I used to write in a journal everyday; since I was very very young. Now I wish I never stopped because there are some points in my life I do not recall-
19. I can wiggle my ears.
20. Other than my one son, I had totally different names in mind for the other 2 but I backed down because everyone hated them.
21. I never finished high school- 1 credit short.
22. I slouch like crazy- it is awful. I started doing it subconsciously when I hit puberty because my boobs were so large - now I can't stop doing it.
23. I have the worst short-term memory.
24. I have very bad hearing- and am terrified to get it checked out.
25 Dr.'s terrify me in general- everytime I go they find something wrong.

MONDAY=FUNDAY

So after CC left yesterday we took the kids to Ontario Place. We didn't get there until afternoon- but the kids had a great time- although Pickle noted on the way home that I ruined her life. She was mad at me because we left and didn't stay for another "16 hundred hours". But other than that it was fun- Little Miss was sweet as pie as usual. Next stop- VACATION!!

I STAND CORRECTED

Ok well, mmm... how can I say this? Ummm well, I was wrong- dead wrong. The weekend was great- we did everything together and there was no sitting around wasting time watching hours of tv. We went out, did some shopping, took the kids for lunch - took them to an arcade and mini-golf which they loved- had a good old fashion barbecue- we did it all- and it was nice he didn't make one attempted to call his friends and go golfing or out- - he seemed quite content to be where he was- which never seems to be the case. So it was nice- but it went by so fast. Ok and get this- when he left and we were all saying good bye I got all veclempt and tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't talk in fear of breaking down. I don't know if it was because of the kids- and how they were all hugging him and telling him they will miss him, or if it was because I will miss him, or maybe because I was sad that things couldn't always be the way they were this past weekend, - I don't know why- but I teared up- and he saw it too- I know he did (but you know men- can't handle emotion- let's pretend we didn't see anything) anyway it was strange- I thought about it a lot yesterday as to why- and I don't really know... but anyway it was good weekend afterall- although I blew my diet totally..... sigh... oh well, it's a new day....

SEX MAKES YA SKINNY

Mmmmm... Ok maybe it's just me but does anyone else feel really skinny after sex? I have always felt this way- but for about maybe a half hour afterwards I feel skinny- smaller- I don't know what it is- and of course I am not- but for that little bit of time after - I feel exactly how I want to feel all the time...

THE HOMECOMING

So CC is coming home tomorrow (today really, it's 2 a.m.). Anyway I don't expect him until about 9 p.m. and as of now we don't have plans per se but he has promised to take little Curly to the driving range to use his clubs that he just had to buy last year for the first time this year. So let's see if that happens. He was also pissed drunk when I talked to him this evening (surprise surprise) so we will see what happens. I was hoping to have a BBQ on Saturday with a couple of friends of ours but it may not happen as they have tentative plans- I really hope they do though- I could use a "sit back and have a few beavies" kind a night, but we'll see. I can expect however to do laundry this weekend as he let me know he "didn't get a chance to do any" the last few days- which means "at all- ever" and I will be spending the majority of my weekend washing his bacon stripped undies... sigh... anyway I am trying to keep positive- I may be pleasantly surprised and the weekend may go swimmingly..... HAHAHAHAHAHA ! Who the hell am I kidding??? Anyway in case I don't write during the weekend- expect an update after he leaves on Monday... Place your bets!!!!!

MISUNDERSTOOD

OK something has been bothering me for quite some time
now and I keep avoiding the subject and not even blogging it on the off chance
this person will read it- but I'm going to write it anyway because I need to get
it off my chest and because this person doesn't need anymore stress in her life
and I feel badly for even feeling this way, I won't say anything to her because
I don't want to hurt her even though I am hurting right now- but I do feel this
way and even if what I am thinking is not the case, I feel this way and I am
going to write about it and maybe it will make me feel better. We cannot help
how we feel after all, can we.
Ok my best friend in the whole wide world
means everything to me and any chance I can get I will go to see her and spend
as much time with her as I can- I miss her terribly all of the time and it
bothers me she isn't so close anymore and we don't see eachother often... Now,
here is the deal- S. and CC don't get along- well, I shouldn't say that- they
can and have but S doesn't like CC too much and I can't say as I blame her and
definitely do not fault her for that in anyway- so... When CC went away quite a
number of times she suggested she come and stay for a couple of days either with
or without her kids- just for a change of scenery, and just to hang out together
you know. So one week it was this reason the next that reason and the next yet
another reason, all of which had validity I know-- but definitely I think it was
more of she didn't want to or couldn't be bothered. Now this coming down here to
stay thing has been a topic of conversation since my kids were born. Even with
CC here. More over we would have converstaions (a million times) where she would
say "get rid of your hubby for a weekend and I will come down" So I thought for
sure with there being no chance of him being here to spoil anything she would
come- but no. And then of course on another note, months ago when my sister and
I booked a cottage for a week in August she was all gung ho about renting one at
the same time and we went on and on about how fun it would be- and months went
by and she didn't book didn't book, and I figured ok she's not going to go away
and then she called yesterday (which is what got all of this into my mind to
begin with) and said she was booking for a few days- the week before we're
going- well, a couple of days anyway and in fact leaving the day before we go...
I was just crushed- what would have been the difference booking a couple of days
later so we could all go together? That's what started me thinking that it must
be me- or maybe my kids. I know they are a handful but maybe that is what it is,
maybe that is why she continually avoids coming to my house (she has been to my
house once in almost 2 years) and no matter how many times we plan things-
something always comes up- now yes, it is me as well, not being able to go up
there after we have planned something- I know shit happens, but every chance I
get I go up there and to lug 3 kids with me each time- its a bit much - and even
when they were babies I did it- every time I go running and yet no one ever
comes here- Christmas holidays- nothing- march break nothing- summer nothing- it
doesn't matter when it's talked about- it just never seems to happen- I don't
understand it- maybe it is truly all coincidental- but it makes you wonder after
a while. But yet- if our crazy friend M calls- then she will go to her- or spend
a weekend with her- or have her over with her kid- or go to nut houses to see
her and everything else- yet with me it is different. She knows I am alone 90%
of the time, she knows I love her to death and would see her every day if I
could- but yet there is no effort at all- absolutely none and I am so saddened
by it all- I don't want to fight about it because I am not mad- no not mad at
all - just hurt and not understanding what it is about me that is so hard to
make an effort for- I cried my eyes out when I got off the phone with her
yesterday- I just don't understand it- I know she is close with her family and
they see eachother every single day but even that- when she would come down here
to visit her mom before she moved up there- she would come down for days and
never bother to call and say she was down so I could come and visit or they
would go out (down here) and never bother to call and say hey we're going here
or there "met us there" never! Well ok maybe once or twice- but I dunno- I am
just hurt and sad, I just don't understand..... and that is all I have to say
about that- and incidentally- it didn't make me feel better...
sigh.....

ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CRY

So CC, is still gone and tonight Curly comes up to me with a piece of paper and a crayon and asks me to help him write a message- so the message went as follows as dictated by Curly:

"Dear Dad. I love You . I want to see you tomorrow. P.s. I love you."

And if that wasn't cute enough.. he then asks me to make the paper into a paper airplane.. which I start to do and then I ask him- why and he says- so we can throw it in the wind and it will float to Daddy- CAN YOU FUCKEN STAND IT? How cute is that... Too bad their dad is such an asshole....

Mooooooo

So the summer is going by soooo quickly it is scary- I feel sorry for the kids- not that they say anything- but I feel like I have ripped them off, like I haven't done anything with them this summer- we've done some visiting, and had a couple of playdates and yesterday I took them for a movie (never again by the way) but I feel like they haven't done much this summer- Mind you they are only 4 - what the hell do they know? But still, I want to make the most of the summer - this September they go to school all day every other day and it will be so much for them... sigh.. anyway today was nice though- they had a playdate and I got 3 hours by myself! The first time I think since CC went away! It was glorious! I spent like 2 hours in Walmart... ohhh sigh speaking of which- you know sometimes I look at myself and think, no, I'm not so bad, I'm not really that fat- and then, you go and try to buy some clothes... then reality punches you right in the fucken face! Because I had the time alone, I was at Walmart and I was trying to find a bathing suit wherein I didn't look like a cow, and sadly, there was no avoiding that. So I gave up and went shopping for some capris or shorts or something like that- I mean I can't wear pants every day of my life can I? And, maybe I am shopping at the wrong stores, or maybe, more probably I guess, I am just wayyyyy fatter that I even think I am and there is no getting away from it. Who the hell is a size 00 anyway??? That's just wrong!!!!!

OH YES, YOU WILL BE MINE

Ok so Prince's wife is divorcing him, which leaves him wide open for me! plenty of room in the Bridlepath mansion for me and the kids and of course Nikki- it's just perfect! Call me! I'm waiting! HA!

GOD I FEEL OLD

So apparently, as of today, I am exactly 12679 days old. Jesus- as if I didn't feel old enough saying I was 34......



This is just going to be a quickly post as I have major cleaning to do tonight- yes its midnight and I have only just begun. Today I decided to gut the toy shelf and take everything off of it and re-organize. But ya know when you start a big task like that and you get like right into it at first and then you loose momentum and then after a while it like Why the fuck did I start something like this? WHYYYYYY????? That's where I am right now- I got distracted while I was in prime mode- how unusual- and then we had baseball practice and then we went grocery shopping- yes, that's right me and the 3 little pigs- now that's an adventure...Anyway I got out of the mode and now I have piles of toys in the floor to put away. Incidentally, at practice tonight something odd happened- Curly was out on the field and they were doing some kind of drills and all of a sudden the couch is yelling for me and I look at Curly and his nose is just pouring blood and I mean pouring down the front of him, dripping on the ground- it was unreal. It lasted quite a while too- his shirt is done for- my shoes, covered in blood and we left a nice "crime scene" like puddle in the parking lot of the baseball field... Anyway it really bothered me, that kind of shit just doesn't seem normal to me.....
By the way the reason I have much cleaning to do is because infant development is coming here tomorrow to do the final assessment on the kids- we've had a nice lady coming since I came home with the babies- first it was every 2 weeks then every month now its every 6 months and they just check the kids are progressing well developmentally which they always have been and they used to give me tips and advice on what to do with them to get them to let's say to walk or to write you know - anyway tomorrow will be the final visit and it's kinda sad in a way- that means of course my babies are getting older and well hell, they aren't babies anymore... oh no, don't go there again.... stop it you- cut the cord already!!!

Ok one more thing before I go- now I don't know yet if I am getting it or not- but my sister got an application form for this Ontario daycare supplement thing that "all families" are supposedly going to get to either help in child care costs or to help ease the "suffering" of stay at home parents- like me who can't work because they can't afford daycare- now- here's the thing- it already pisses me off that I have 3 kids under the age of 5 and only get 130$ a month for Child tax credit when there are some who get 3-400$ a month- just because CC makes ok money- ok money is great but when you're supporting 4 other people you might as well be making the minimum and get all the benefits of GST CTB and now this daycare shit because we are no farther ahead and because they base it on last years income- well last year- up until December we had a good year but since December of last year he's been off like 5 months in total so we're fucked. Anyway if my sister doesn't qualify for it on what she makes then I certainly won't either and that is fucken bullshit if you ask me -we are just getting by- (thanks to Visa that is) and this $ would really make a difference.. anyway I fucken hate the Canadian government- unless you are a fucken immigrant or a welfare piece of shit you get nothing- you cannot get ahead because the more you make the more you take- fucken bastards....

That is all.....

SHO FLY DON'T BOTHER ME

How long can flies live? I'd like to fucken know because I swear I have had the same 2 fucken flies in my house for a week now- I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to fucken pummel them and I swear they are mocking me- flying past my ear every chance they can get- no matter what room I am in they follow me- bastards!!!!

Anyway last night I had another one of those stay up all night crying nights- it was at least 4 a.m. before I fell asleep and I was so tired but I just couldn't sleep. Got into a fight with CC who is still in Windsor by the way. He just urkes me. He's not even here and he still urkes me to no end. He's just leading the party life out there don't ya know- going out every night- for "drinks" and dinner and golfing this day and casino that day- must be fucken nice while I'm fucken here trapped like a fucken rat unable to do much and with absolutely no time to myself at all- ever- I can't even run to the store or do anything- it fucken sucks ass. I mean I am used to him not doing fucken anything at all ever but at least I could say oh I'm just running to the store (and of course all the while planning on making a hundred different stops) and then he couldn't do anything about it- but now its just impossible. Like today I could have gone to my mama M's for the day to see all my old work friends of which I haven't see for 3 + years but no- on my own- no one to look after the kids.. Anyway I have ranted about this before but the bottom line is I just don't trust him at all and I know if he has the opportunity he will do something and I have no way at all of knowing what the fuck is going on there and it drives me mad. At least when he is here I have a bit more insight as to what is happening... asshole... and the kids- they haven't even asked for him or anything- like they don't even care- what does that say? And when he does call he doesn't even ask to talk to them.. nice father - what a fucken dick.....

So I went to my mothers' on Friday night and God damnit I don't know why I do it to myself- its all so negative there- always an issue with everything- always yelling and just so fucked up- they are all just so fucked up and it fucken drives me- I used to literally worry myself sick worrying about them all but now I am just so disgusted so utterly done with all of them that it wouldn't bother me one bit if I never saw any of them again....

So a friend of mine has decided to separate from her husband- we have all known each other most of our lives and they have been together forever even before marriage - S said she had a new sense of self, like a new confidence and that is what finally made her do it. I think I need to find that confidence somewhere inside myself and get on with things instead of sitting back and waiting for something to happen.. I got to start making changes for me and come up with a back up plan... I don't want to be old and alone and unhappy-

PURPLE RAIN

So last night I ended up staying up until after 3 a.m. unintentionally of course reading old emails between me and Scarecrow which I have always meant to delete but never have. So literally 4 years of emails I went through- hundreds. So I basically re-lived four years of my life last night and I tell you- it was like I was living it all over again- the sadness and the laughter and all of that - it was weird and then of course I dreamt about him all last night- NO not sexual or anything- just flashes you know- and then I woke up missing him. I still can't believe he is no longer a part of my life. He was my best friend. That fucken sucks. I still think about him almost every day- like seriously- I really do at some point pretty much every day I think about what he's doing or something will remind me of him or whatever- it's all quite sad... I wonder if he does the same or if I am just a distant memory... anyway I could go on and on - but I better not...


I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u bathing in the purple rain
I never wanted 2 be your weekend lover
I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal u from another
It's such a shame our friendship had 2 end
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u underneath the purple rain
Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out 4 something new
That means u 2
U say u want a leader
But u can't seem 2 make up your mind
I think u better close it
And let me guide u 2 the purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon raise your hand
Purple rain Purple rain
I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u In the purple rain......

BUH BYE NOW, BUH BYE

So CC got a job and started today- Guess where?? WINDSOR! So he's off with 3 or 4 other guys to not make any more money than he was making here mind you- its just a regular job which is costing us more in the long run because now he has to pay to stay somewhere and food and everything else... whatever.. he's not here anyway so that's all I care about- Opps.... did I say that out loud? So already he hasn't answered any of my text messages or calls today- mmmm... did I expect anything less? Nope.... whatever....


So yesterday was the circus. I asked SH to come with because of course CC was gone already. And didn't we end up sitting right behind the kids' friend (favourite friend I might add) from school! It was so bizarre. Anyway the kids had a great time- they loved it. I felt bad because I had bought the tickets months ago and of course with CC not working I had like NO money and of course they had like elephant rides and face painting and everything and I couldn't get them a thing other than popcorn and cotton candy. Although it was fucken ridiculous anyway- everything was like $10-$15.00 each and of course with the 3 of them that triples everything.. anyway they had a great time and that's all that counts. On the same note, Saturday was the MIL's (mother-inlaw) birthday and we couldn't get her anything either and today is my sisters birthday and well, same goes. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHICKIE!! SORRY AGAIN FOR NOT CALLING YOU FIRST ! So anyway it's all rather depressing and now that CC is out of town and making shit money- and I am stuck here with the 3 kids but can't do anything because we have no money. And of course I am trapped. What I mean is that now everything is just fucked. I can't even go buy a pack of smokes without bringing the 3 of them with me or do grocery shopping or anything. Even though CC doesn't do fuck all at least I could leave him for a few minutes with them to do that kind of stuff... It sucks but at least he's not just lying here on the couch smelling up the room....

Ok so here's the pics of Pickle I promised- couldn't ya just smack her!? too much... Anyway- boy's room is done finally and next it's on to my room- so more work and mo' money- oh yes did I mention CC is unemployed again? Oh yes, we're on week 2 now- I could just barf... Let's not talk about it though- I'll plug my ears and hope it goes away, literally.... Anyway off to the eye dr today to get Pickle's eyes checked and see what the deal is- I hope there is nothing wrong, I can't handle shit like that.
I spoke to my Girl's from work this morning! I haven't in ages and its' awful, but at least I know no matter how much time goes by, it's still the same you know- it's good that way-

What else? ... mmmm Not much - oh yeah I'll post some of the pics of when we went out that night. I got drunk yes- but nothing too ridiculous... we grafittied all over the bathroom walls like immature little teenagers.. so gay... ok that is all...

BUSY BUSY BEE

Well well, been a busy bee the last couple of weeks, Pickle's room is finally done - for the most part- finishing touches here and there but it looks so cute- today we really started on the boys room. BUZZ and SPIDEY. Its gonna be bright and vibrant - very cute. The floor got laid today and I started the painting so by the end of the weekend if I get help it should be done. CC started another job this week but its only 4 days which sucks ass but still at least he's got one- I couldn't handle another stint of weeks off at a time. Maybe I'll actually get shit done this way. What else, oh yeah, I'm still fat- yep, still fat- nothing's changed there. Umm what else. Pickles recital is next weekend, I can't wait although its all going to be a big fat pain in the ass I know it- but still it'll be cute- I am going to try to sneak in my video recorder. We'll see what happens with that . Watch I'll get kicked out of my own daughter's recital. HA! I'm going to take her to get more pictures done next week with her outfit on- it'll be sweet. I dunno, that's about it I guess, going out with Moe and Deb tomorrow for girl's night- should be good, but I know when it comes time I won't want to go because I will be to tired, but I will, I never get to go out- so I will go and I will have fun dammit. ... oh yes, I will.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET PRINCE

COULD HE POSSIBLY BE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE? OH YES, OH YES HE CAN - AND IS.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU SWEET PRINCE.. YOU WILL BE MINE, OH YES, YOU WILL BE MINE... OBSESSED? MMMMM... MAYBE JUST A SMIDGE.... HA!

MY BEAUTY

PICKLE GOT HER PICS DONE AT DANCE CLASS TODAY IN HER COSTUME. I JUST CAN'T STAND IT- SHE IS THE CUTEST THING EVER! THESE ARE SOME PICS I TOOK. I'LL POST THE "REAL" ONES ONCE WE GET THEM BACK.....

MISTY WATER COLORED MEMORIES.....

So here it is almost 12:30 a.m. and I have worked my ass off today- Like seriously I haven't stopped and even though I still had a million things to do, the kids had swimming and Nana and Papa wanted to go to the mall afterwards and get the kids ice cream and walk around - I went , I complied, even though the whole time I was gritting my teeth and thinking about how late I would be up tonight finishing all I had to do when if I didn't go, could have saved me a good 3 hours..... anyway there's me again- not opening my mouth when I should.... c'est dommage..... So I am just on a smoke break- and yes, I am smoking in the house- LOOK AT ME_ SMOKING IN THE HOUSE- I DARE ANYONE TO SAY A WORD ABOUT IT! I'm in the basement and my kids are 3 floors up- oh yes yes, smoke does rise.. but you know what- tonight I don't fucken care- tonight I am tired and in tears just thinking about all I still have left to do and I am thinking how fucken tired I am of doing it all alone, always.... Anyway the fact is, that my baby girl is moving into her own room- which up until this point, she has shared one with her 2 brothers- It is time for her to have her own little girl's room and fuck what a room it will be! Yes, perhaps I am living vicarioulsy through her what with the purple room and the canopy bed we got her- but fuck it- let me live through my little Pickle... she'll love it - I just know it- So anyway all of my hard work today has been clearing out the room which will be hers- and tomorrow morning Papa is coming to help me rip up the carpet so we can lay her new floor and I can finish painting. Problem being is, before the babies, that was my junk room, after the babies, it became the junk room, craft room, computer room, extra storage room etc etc... Then the basement was done so all the stuff that was not staying in the basement went in there- and there was a fuck of a lot... so the point is- it's like almost 3 rooms full of stuff in one room that I now have to find a home for.. talk about a fucken pain in the ass.. and then of course there is the fact that - that room is full of memories, not like the room itself like oh I do this or that in this room- but boxes, and folders and everything else full of memories.. so I find myself stopping to read this journal entry or that letter or this email I have saved, and the cards people gave me and the year books and photo albulms and so as you can imagine- this whole process has taken me a million years because I have to relive everything and read it all- and oh how terribly sad it all is... First and foremost that my little lamb is going into a real big girl bed in her own big girl room, how can she be old enough yet? How did it pass me by so fast? Anyway then there's all the things I have been reminded of in this process as well, all the things I must now pack away because there is no room to keep a million pictures out or notes I wrote to friends at work or school- and I hate the fact that I can't just go and grab it and read stuff like that when the mood hits- I did it when I was clearing out the first bedroom while I was pregnant with the kids, and I remember doing the same thing- sitting there for hours reading, remembering, crying too- but I knew it would all be in a nice box in the next room or in the basement and I could go and read and cry whenever I wanted- then when the basement was done the same thing- sitting in that cold basement for hours pouring over mounds of papers- and now here I am again but this time, it will be stowed away in the garage somewhere, unreachable, until who knows when.. it may sound gay to you- but it's just my thing - I love and hate doing that - but sometimes its good to submerse yourself back into the memories again and remember the way it once was before someone calls out MOMMY! HE HIT ME! or WHAT'S FOR DINNER? .. anyway I don't hate my life at all- I just miss my old one a lot... does that make sense?? Anyways, on top of everything else, tomorrow early early I have to bring my van in to get an oil change and to get my driver's side window fixed which for months now hasn't worked and now my air conditioning has stopped blowing cold air- so in this heat the past few days it has been inbearable- my poor sweltering children in the back.. so that will probably cost me a million fucken dollars and I am so afraid of getting ripped off because really -it could be something like so simple and they could tell me otherwise and I will pay out the money because fuck- what do I know right? Fucken guys.... anyway I better get back to it- the longer I sit here the more I don't want to go up and finish... I just want to throw myself down on the floor and kick and scream and cry- I DON"T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! WAH!!!!!!!

HOT HOT ZOO TRIP

So we ventured to the zoo on Sunday and Jesus Christ was it busy! Unreal! The kids had fun though except Pickle as I am told who had a "horrible " time because she didn't get to ride on a camel, or a horse, or get her face painted or blah blah blah SMACK!!! I spent well over $100.00 to park, get in and eat with the 4 of us... LIttle MIss seemed to have a good time at her first trip to the zoo anyway. It was a good day over all I must say - Nice to get out anyway !

OUR FIRST VISIT TO CHURCH- OR GOD'S HOUSE AS LITTLE PICKLE WOULD SAY

SO HERE WE HAVE LITTLE PICKLE AND HER "jazz hands" POSING FOR PICS BEFORE THE BAPTISM. IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD DAY- WE WENT TO "GOD'S HOUSE" DON'T YA KNOW AND CURLY WAS QUITE DISAPPOINTED THAT HE DIDN'T SEE ANY ANGELS. REAL ONES ANYWAY. AND OF COURSE THE FACT THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY FUN AT ALL AT CHURCH AND "THAT GUY WAS JUST TALKING AND TALKING BLAH BLAH BLAH". HA! NICE KIDS EH! SO YEAH IT WAS A GOOD DAY AND NOW LITTLE MISS WILL GO TO HEAVEN EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS BLESSED LIKE 3 TIMES UPSIDE DOWN.. HA!

NOT JUST THE SEXIEST VEGETARIAN!

PETA's Prince
Steamy songs like “Erotic City” and “Kiss” made Prince one of the most sensual singers on the planet and his choice to stop eating meat has earned him the title of the world’s sexiest vegetarian.People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (P.E.T.A.) recently released the results of its annual online poll and voters said the man who penned “Purple Rain” is a real prince to animals.The 47-year-old singer is a strict vegan and has also taken action to protect the creatures of the Earth by including his animal rights message in his music.He wrote about controversial wool production practices in the liner notes of his 1999 album “Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic" and closed the disc with the following quote from Mohandas Gandhi: "2 my mind, the life of a lamb is no less precious than that of a human being."His latest album, “3121”, released in March, debuted at No. 1.Prince shared the top honour from the animal rights group with 25-year-old television star Kristen Bell.The pair faced some steep competition from several beautiful stars who’ve decided to forego eating flesh, including “V for Vendetta” star Natalie Portman, Joaquin Phoenix, who was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of country legend Johnny Cash in “Walk the Line”, and Canadian-born INXS frontman J.D. Fortune.Coldplay singer Chris Martin and American Idol Carrie Underwood were voted the sexiest vegetarians of 2005. Other previous winners include, Outkast’s Andre 3000, Tobey Maguire and Shania Twain.
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May 23, 2006

Where's my bottle of sleeping pills??!!

Ok so you know when you have a dream and you don't ever want to wake up from it? Not like a sex dream- well, I suppose there have been those too- but just a dream that made you feel so good and relaxed and happy and safe that you never wanted to wake from it? Well I had one last night and almost the moment I woke up I forgot what it was about- but I knew I didn't want to be awake. I wanted to climb back into my bed and hide under the covers and go right back to it... sigh... All I know is "S" and her mom and me and "T" a boy friend from over 17 years ago- were on a cruise or something like that- anyway like I said I don't remember what it was all about- but it was just so right and so calming and I was so happy- and then I woke up.. Shame... Anyway, I have found myself thinking about "T" all day- I just can't shake it- I miss him. Not just because I had this dream- but I really miss him. Maybe its because I'm feeling old and useless and he reminds me of my youth- but I really loved him with my whole heart. I loved that boy silly and he was such a huge part of my life for so long. I dunno- I am just missing him today.... Sigh.....

Ohh poor me... ha!

On the inside I'm dying
on the inside I'm crying.
On the inside I'm screaming,
I'm begging,
I'm pleading.

On the inside I bleed,
on the inside I need.
On the inside I'm trying so hard to believe.

On the inside I'm hollow,
on the inside I wallow
to the inside I will not let you follow.

On the inside I ache,
on the inside I break.
On the inside I;m slipping,
I'm tripping,
I hate.

On the outside I'm calm
nothing is wrong.
On the outside I'm laughing,
I'm smiling-
I'm strong.



Jenni

JOHNNY'S SO LONG AT THE FAIR......

So for the past 3 nights I have barley slept- literally- last night it was 5 a.m. by the time I close my eyes, granted, I haven't been feeling well, but my mind is racing at every turn, just thinking, re-thinking, remembering, planning, regretting, just everything... It's so weird.. Nothing significant has happened- I just don't want to sleep- like I am trying everything to avoid it- like for instance sitting here on my computer at 2 a.m. instead of sleeping... Maybe I'm trying to slow down time......

OH DEAR, WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE?

So today, as I have been for the last week or so, I converted more of my VHS and 8 mm tapes over to dvd- I find my heart actually aches when I watch these, because of course, I cannot just tape something whilst doing something else, I am constantly drawn to sit and watch by those tiny little voices saying "mama" or talking in their little baby jargon- I am compelled to sit and watch regardless of how busy I am at the time. Anyway, it literally breaks my heart watching them- so small and so completely dependent on me- and I hear my voice, so alive, so happy- so completely in love and I remember those first 2 years especially being the most amazing times of my life- regardless of all the other shit that was happening at the time. Those little wonders just utterly held me together and gave me such a purpose and so many memories. Now don;t get me wrong, I don't love them any less now that they are older- quite the contrary, it was just at that time, in that stage of my life, it was so important to me - so what I needed after so long- and you could hear it in me, see it in me (as I have been told) that it was the exact thing I needed at that exact moment in my life- sure I was run ragged and didn't sleep for days in end- but what I wouldn't give now to be back there again. As the kids get older and are more independent, I feel that sense of being needed slipping away- God knows they would crumble up and die without me for a day they are so attached to me- but I am just so terrified at the time that passes us by so quickly- its all going by so fast and soon they will barely need me at all- and then where will I be? What will I be? I have nothing to go "back" to- I can't go back to my old life B.B. (before babies) not that I couldn't- I wouldn't. So much of what was then is so no longer important to me- Friends even that I held so dearly and loved so much are just acquaintances now, and most disappeared after the kids were born- I am lucky I found out who really mattered and cared and I don';t have to deal with their dramas anymore- the constant backstabbing and bullshit- I do not miss that- I do miss some of it though- but I know now who is important to me and who will be my life long friends and who have been a part of me from the get go... Anyway in that respect- I want nothing to do with the past- but B.B. I suppose I had more opportunities or shall I say more freedom to explore opportunities.. I am afraid now, even as much as I love it and as much as I would do it again, I am labeled a mother, a wife, the errand girl- and nothing more- still don't know what I want to be or what I could be. Anyway I was just thinking about that today- anyway - I love my babies.. And I WANT SOME MO' !!!!!

BAD NEWS BEARS

So tonight the kids had their first t-ball game and it was a hoot- I laughed my ass off the whole time- it was just the sweetest thing- it's going to be interesting to watch them progress- but tonight twas classic- chaos, confusion and laughter- just the way I like it....

BY THE WAY : HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAR SWEET "S" I LOVE YOU !!!

I HAVEN'T SLIT MY WRISTS.....YET

So have I told you lately that raising (alone) triplets is a daily struggle and some days (like today) I wonder how I have made it this far without being a closet drunk or that I haven't slit my wrists? Thank god for cigarettes! Sometimes I yell so loud that I get a pain in my chest- mmmm... that seems pretty bad now that I am seeing it written out. And even though I haven't succumed to it yet- I can truly see (within reason of course) child abuse.... I have had those days (and you have to and if you say you haven't you are a fucken liar- one kid or 3) that they have done something or have just gotten on your nerves so bad and they won't stop and it is all too much that you haven't wanted to just smack the shit out of them or lock them in a room for an hour just so you can breathe. Oh my aren't I venting... Anyway I am on the rag, cranky and of course when you do it alone 24/7 and never get a moment to yourself other than staying up every night until 3 or 4 a.m. just to watch a show or be at peace with yourself, it gets to the point where you just can't take it anymore... but then of course one of them says or does something and it almost refreshes you- almost gives you a do-over for the day and everything is ok again.... it just sucks doing it alone that's all. Anyway.... I'm having a "why did I marry such a lazy asshole who doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself" days.... that is all......

YEAH OK I KNOW ITS BEEN A WHILE

Ok yeah so been a while now since I wrote- got caught up in life- who am I kidding- I have done fuck all including getting the spare bedroom cleaned out, catching up on laundry, loosing 20 pounds and everything else I have supposed to have done... I suck... I just can't keep up with anything- its fucken ridiculous really... just a crying shame... so anyway yeah I've done nothing- literally - nothing useful anyway CC finally went back to work- 2 weeks ago- THANK FUCKEN GOD. I was ready to kill him or myself... of course preferably him. Anyway so he's back to work and life can resume as normal- give me the pay cheques and stay the fuck away from me.. opps... I must be careful of what I say he might read this . HA! Right! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU CC!!! hahahahahahahahahah ! Anyway I am going to add picture now because I feel the need to do that with every blog- I took a picture of a tulip from our "garden" and played around with it and it looks tre cool.....

FUNNY LITTLE LAMB

HERE'S MY LITTLE LAMB "SMILING" FOR THE CAMERA- HILLARIOUS.. SHE IS TOO MUCH...

DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB... OH WAIT, I DON'T HAVE ONE...

I WAS DRIVING TO MY SISTER'S ONE EVENING AND TOOK THESE PICTURES ON THE WAY- NO, PROBABLY WASN'T TOO SAFE DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY TAKING PICTURES OF THE SUNSET - I WAS TRYING TO BE ARTISTIC DON'T YA KNOW...

PLEASE LET ME WIN THE LOTTERY!

God he is just ridiculous. He angers me to the point sometimes that I would kill him in his sleep if I wouldn't be sent to jail for it . (opps, did I say that out loud?) Anyway he is just a fucken jerk to the kids and I am so so so tired of it -I encouraged them tonight to be loud LOUD LOUD just to piss him off more... deal with it MO FO.... It only gets worse.... Anyway if there is a God, he will let me win the Super 7 tonight or the 649 tomorrow so I can get the hell away from him for once and for all....

WHAT??

HILLARIOUS! Someone sent this to me today- I've seen it before but damn is it funny!

DON'T DO IT BABY!

Pop superstar Prince will reportedly appear on TV talent show American Idol to both coach contestants and perform on the hit TV series - in a bid to maintain high album sales.
The notoriously shy star has just released his latest LP, 3121, which debuted at the top of the US Billboard chart.
According to PageSix.com, executives from Prince's record company convinced him to appear on the show to keep the album at the top of the charts, after noting a huge spike in album sales when Barry Manilow appeared on the programme earlier this year.
According to one source, "It wasn't easy though because Prince apparently hates the show and has never even watched it."

BO BO RULES!

Talked to Bobo today for the first time since Christmas- I just love her to death. She is one of my oldest (no, I do not mean you are old ... yet) friends and we have a click, that I have had with few other people. After all the time, and after months and occassionally years of not seeing or talking- we can always instantly pick up and carry on from where we left off and that is just amazing to have that in a friend... Anyway it was great to talk to her today...

CHICKEN LADY!!!!

That's for you Baby! And you know who you are ! Ohhh you poor little chicken... HA!!! Sorry S made me do it!

MENTAL NOTE: PIZZA NOVA IS A GREAT LAXATIVE

So here it is Sunday night- well ok Monday morning really. The entire weekend passed me by in a flash and the older I get the more I truly appreciate the fact that time does most certainly fly and you better step in front of it and try and slow it down. Unfortunately, yet again- I forgot to step up- step in front- and instead stepped aside and let it go- dumbass...
So since January 1st I have been planning this diet regiment for myself, after seeing the only known photo of me since last spring and realizing that yes, in fact the camera does add 10 pounds- or was it that box of oreos I ate last night? Anyway, I have been thinking about it, and writing things down and planning on starting on this date and that date and guess what? Here it is fucken April now and I haven't done one thing about it- not made one effort to even start or change one thing to make it better . And it kills me to think that had I started in January when I intended, I would have most certainly have reached my goal already and maybe thensome- but no- 4 months into the year and I am fat sadly not PHAT BUT FUCKEN FAT and I hate myself for it...

So in relation to the above, CC is going to Hamilton tomorrow to try and get work which if he succeeds, he will have to stay there 6 days a week- now, not that I am a cold hearted bitch BUT, I have spent a little too much quality time with CC over the last 5 months and I say BUH BYE NOW. Yeah I may miss him once and a while but you know what it'll be good, oh yes it will be refreshing if you ask me- I can get back to my routine when the kids go to school and start my exercising and eating right. It's just that he sucks the life out of me- I don't feel like doing anything when he is home all he does is sit on the couch (he literally and I mean literally did that all weekend- only got up to piss) and he just makes me not want to do anything- the kids and I will be fine- we are alone even when he is here anyway the only difference will be that he won't be yelling at the kids to move away from the tv .... off you go then- go get a fucken job and let things get back to normal around here..... Oh, I am awful aren't I? I'm going to hell......

FUCKEN SPAMMERS

You know what pisses me off? Well, I was just sitting here checking out other blog pages which I like to do, (and afterall isn't that the point of all of this?) Anyway I'm pissed off that out of I dunno 20 or 30 pages at least 10 of them is some jerk off who has decided to make up hundreds of different blog pages about Dog obedience - assholes- and then there's another one I keep coming across in different forms- something about baby tips on how to put your kids to bed- like hundreds of these pages it seems in all different names... like can't there be one place where you can go without some one trying to fucken sell you something ? Fuck off... jesus... I was also surprised by the number of people who have blog pages about knitting.. to each his own I guess- but cripes how interesting can it be ? Look at all the beautiful colors of yarn.... YAWN!

Anyway, went and signed the Three Little Pigs up for T-Ball for the summer which should be absolutely hilarious- I simply cannot wait to see them in action... Precious...


So CC decided not to come home last night until about 4 a.m. - with some guy he used to work with or something- who fucken cares.. most of the time I wish he wasn't here anyway, but it pisses me off because he will call and say he is on his way home and then not make it home for 6 or 7 hours later- so immature and just plain rude and inconsiderate- just wait MO FO- just you fucken wait- you'll get yours one day- one day soon, you will get back everything you doled out to me all of these years... oh yes, you will ....