Listen to your whispers

*This is something I wrote years ago- before the last time he got caught- I guess subconsciously I knew- I always knew-



You said I was the one.
You told me unequivocally-
You swore it before God-before everyone we knew.
Aren't I now the fool?
Aren't I the gullible one?
Aren't I now alone?
I am angry
I am saddened.
I am hardened by life's cruel sense of humor.
I am alone.
I still reach for you in bed;
yearning to feel your heartbeat
how that used to soothe me.
I make too much coffee
I am not used to drinking alone.
And I keep buying your favorite foods.
Now even my cupboards are a constant reminder.
You left your cologne when you went.
I want to call you and tell you
But I spray it on my pillow
So I won't forget your smell.
But I hate you.
Sometimes, I even wish that you were dead.
I am furious that you wasted so much of my life,
I am angry because I never loved anyone more,
And I am sad because I may never again.

A CONVERSATION WITH PICKLE

This is a conversation with my almost 5 year old daughter as I am tucking her in tonight

ME: " Why are you wearing your clip on earrings? You don't need to now because you have real ones."

PICKLE: "So I can remember Daddy- Is he not going to live here anymore?"

ME: "I Don't know honey"

PICKLE: " But what happened to your love?" (I swear to God- this is the drama queen remember)

ME: "It's because Daddy doesn't love me anymore"

PICKLE: "He hates you?"

ME: "Yeah, I think he does"

PICKLE: " Is it because you yelled at him on the phone? I heard you yell at him on our way to dance class?" (My heart sinks and I start to cry)

ME: "No baby, Daddy just doesn't love Mommy anymore"

PICKLE " I still love you Mama"

And then I almost loose it and kiss her quickly and run out of the room. I am sure what I said to her wasn't right- but what am I supposed to say- God knows what I want to say - but I can't do that to them even if he is an asshole.

I WISH I HAD A RIVER I COULD SKATE AWAY ON...

I'm finding it hard to breathe- I feel fuzzy inside and like I am not in my own skin. I am holding back tears of anger and sadness and fear- and vomit is sitting at the back of my throat, waiting for the right moment to break out. My world came crashing down around me last night- and even though I knew in my heart that something was going down, I thought maybe this time I was wrong, or over-thinking even though the little whispers that kept coming to me kept getting louder. And he made me feel crazy- he made me think it was all in my head and I was jealous and had too much time on my hands but all along something told me differently. Something told me - and even though I didn't necessarily want to face it- last night I had no choice- I don't feel like re-hashing it all right this second, long story short, CC Has a girlfriend whom he ran off with last night- and never came home - got his friends to lie- all of which I called them on- and well- last night was our triplets' birthday party- he hurriedly drove him from there and dropped us off, and that was it- he was gone to meet "friends" I knew it I knew in my heart it wasn't right- something wasn't right- and so again, I was right- so he called this afternoon (after I had tried calling him about a hundred times and he ignored me and after he didn't bother to come home or anything ) while I am on the way to our daughters Christmas ballet recital with all 3 of them in tow, with all of this swimming in my head, drowning me- and he calls and says "I'm sorry" Sorry for what? Sorry for fucking around? For getting caught? For lying? For being a fucken dick? For not coming home or calling? What the fuck are you sorry about? So I didn't even let him speak- I told him to come and get his stuff- I told him to get out of our lives for ever and to never look back- I told him I hated him and how he ruined me and how I will never ever forgive him for as long as I live and that he ruined our children's lives and that this will effect them forever and that he will be- just as my father is- a lonely bitter old man who has no one because he was so fucken selfish and heartless his whole fucken life and made his children suffer for his own needs and wants- I told him to get his shit and get the fuck out of my house and I hung up- and then I had to suck it up and enjoy a Christmas recital of my beautiful little girl who will never truly know what a fucken asshole her father is and how much of my life I made excuses for him and looked the other way and how I was only with him the last 5 years because of her and her 2 brothers and how stupid I am for letting it all happen again- I should have gotten rid of him the last time when the babies were still young enough that they wouldn't have remembered him anyway- I should have found a way then and things would be ok now- I should have and I didn't and now what the fuck are we supposed to do? I haven't worked in 5 years- I have no one except my in-laws who both work that can be any sort of help with the kids. I am going to loose my house. The only house my babies know. He already doesn't have a job- so what the fuck now? What the fuck am I supposed to do now with my babies. The school year os not even half way over- and Christmas is coming- and their 5th birthday - and Christmas is coming.. I just don't know what to do- where to start- how to feel, where to go -
even though I hated him anyway and didn't want him home- I can't help but to feel humiliated and stupid and hurt and sad and scared-Anger is the first thing to deal with I guess- how can someone do that? How can he do it? What gives him the power to make me feel like this and to do this to our children? How can you do this to your babies?

I have to go now, I haven't cried yet- and as I have been typing this, the flood gates have opened. I can't let my babies see me cry- what am I supposed to tell them?

I AM

I AM semi-silently loathing him.
I AM always tired.
I AM still awake at 2 a.m.- again.
I AM trying to sort things out in my mind.
I AM not going to wait for things to get better this time.
I AM going to loose weight.
I AM going to quit smoking.
I AM going to take better care of myself.
I AM going to be nicer to me.
I AM going to enjoy the holidays with my babies.
I AM not going to let him ruin it like he always does.
I AM not going to be taken advantage of by anyone anymore.
I AM not going to stop making lists for everything over and over.
No I'm not.
I AM worried about 16 things- right this very minute.
Sigh...

Merry fucken Christmas

So things just get better and better. The kids have just gotten over a week of hell- Stomach flu- I cannot get the smell of puke out of my nose no matter how I try- poor little darlings. It was a bad week. We went to my mother's for a photoshoot- all the grandchildren in one room having a photo done- it could have been worse- my mother fucked up as usual though and all the kids missed out on the town's events for the day - it was Santa day and all of these things were going on- and after the pictures were done my mother fucked off somewhere and we missed everything- anyway- whatever- oh but wait- it gets better- on the way home Curly pukes all over the place- covered- everything- it was just awful- thank God my sister was with me or I would have been alone on a gravel road trying to clean it all up and calm Pickle down (she was more upset than anyone)- anyway it was quite an eventful ride home. So now that the sickies are all better, we have been getting ready for Christmas in our own way- I have had my tree up for a couple of weeks now, trying to get myself out of this slump I am in- it always makes me feel better although the process of getting the tree up was a disaster. Too long of a story to go into- you had to be there really- should have had my camera going- I should have known.. What else? Oh, yes, CC is still a fucken asshole. The other night he gets off work early- goes to a bar and stays up all night drinking - so much so that at 8:00 p.m. the next day, when he should have been at work already, he is still up, pissed drunk so when his sick daughter calls him crying because she wants her daddy- she can't even understand him and he has no recollection of her ever calling- FUCKEN LOOOOOSER! So he basically lost 2 days of work- all for what? For a drunk- what a fucken looser- And god knows what else he has been doing- I could just throw up- I would like to say that I regret ever meeting him- but then I wouldn't have my babies- I couldn't bring myself to say that- - but only for that reason. I have to do something to get out of here- or keep him out... on that note- Oh, things can't be worse you say?? Oh yes, yes they can.. guess who got laid off last night? Come on, one guess... job's done.. no more work- guess who will be home this weekend? For good.... my stomach hurts. I don't want to go back to sharing space, air, anything with him again. This whole time he has been away has made me realize completely that I don't need him first and foremost- well of course I need him to work that is about it- but also that I don't want him- not at all, not the slightest bit. He has done nothing- other than of course donating his sperm- which exactly all it was, to make my life any happier- I just sit back and think about all of the things he has done that has caused me detriment or sadness or stunted my happiness. I think about the way things should have been all of this time and it wasn't and even though I tried to convince myself I didn't need any of those things (not material things)- I did and I should have had them and I deserved to have them and he is so fucken selfish he couldn't look past himself or his needs or wants to give them to me. I was thinking the other day about how I was going to come up with the money to buy him his Ipod for Christmas- and then I thought about how many times I would be on him about him spending so much money and where it was all going and he would give me these bullshit stories about how he had been saving up money to buy me something special and that he had the money and now I had ruined it and he just wanted to surprise me and on and on- and all the while there was nothing- no gifts, no nothing I can't even tell you how many times he did that too me and each time I believed him and felt badly for accusing him of pissing away money- and each time I was right.. anyway that has no relevance really, I was just thing about it the other day- just shows you what kind of character he has... So yeah, he is officially out of work again- this is about the same time last year when everything went to hell and it put us in such a spot- one that we still haven't recovered from- it has only gotten worse and of course with all of the money he has pissed away since he has been away- well, we are so fucked it isn't funny- thank god I have finished shopping for birthday and Christmas for my babies- all the kids really- everyone else can go to hell- including him. And I am so pathetic that every night I pray and pray to please just let me win some money so I can get out of here - get far far away from him and his lies and his bullshit- just get away and not feel like I am held here as a prisoner- me and my babies far far away....

IN LOVE WITH A SONG

I think I heard this song on Six Feet Under once - I'm not sure, but I loved it when I heard it and then never heard it again. I heard it again tonight, and I have listened to it about 60 times already- its very calming.. anyway, thought I would share- it's called BREATHE ME by SIA


Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Enfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Enfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Enfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

CLAIM TO FAME

OK I am a loser I know but here is the closest thing to having my name out there in the world of media. BT (Breakfast television, a local morning show) had a silly little "contest" (if you could call it that) to add a caption to a picture they posted and they would choose the best or funniest one and that person would win a prize. Seeing as though I had nothing better to do at the time, I submitted a caption and though I didn't win, I got an Honourable Mention- and won fuck all- but anyway whatever.. For safety reasons, I have blocked out my name. I don't want all my crazed fans coming to find me - HA! Well then, you may wonder- how do we really know it is your name there? Well, I guess you don't know do you? I hope you won't loose sleep over it.. hahahah.. see how I can create drama about something so meaningless and petty? I'm good.... OH, incidentally, still have not heard from Howie Mandel yet. My sister and I both applied to be on DEAL OR NO DEAL when it comes to Canada - wouldn't that be the funniest thing ever? I will wet my pants, I Swear!


AND THE WINNER IS...
Time to announce the winner of our first weekly Caption Contest. Here once again is the picture... (OK I NOW REALIZE THE PICTURE WON'T COPY HERE- OH WELL USE YOUR IMAGINATION)

is easy for you! Try doing this with your mother strapped to your back!"
Some honourable mentions include:

"What kind of milk are you drinking?" J (INSERT MY NAME HERE)

"No wonder you're so happy...no one is kicking you in the butt!" Norm Makela
"Hey Lady, do you always sing to the airplanes like that?" Irene
Michele Laffin wins a Chicago DVD/CD prize pack.

Closing the Doors

I'm sitting here- it's almost 2 a.m. (despite what time it says it is at the end of this blog) and I am listening to The Doors. Fuck, I haven't heard a Doors song in years it seems yet at one point in my life I was obsessed. Listening now, I remember why. It's so full of emotion and it just makes you want to close your eyes and float and feel and cry. Indian Summer was my wedding song- the first song I danced with CC as my husband. Most people thought it was strange- I thought it was enchanting- if it couldn't be Prince it had to be The Doors. Before that- they have significance to me for a strange and sad reason. When I first started working at "the office", my friend there had a brother who was a little fucked up with depression and drugs and shit- and one day (I was only the receptionist then)he called and asked to put through to her. When she answered, the only thing he said to her was "This is the end, beautiful friend, the end." and he hung up. She thought it was odd- but put it off to him being fucked up on drugs. She had no idea the "quote" was a line from a song by The Doors. A few short hours later she was called to come identify his body or what was left of it, in the middle of a busy downtown street after he jumped to his death. I still remember her screaming into the phone when they called her- and the look on her face when she left to identify him- Later, when she told me about what he had said and I told her it was a song, I typed out the lyrics for her- and watched her shake as she read them...

LOCKJAW

The past month has been hard- sad, stressful - everything. I have clammed right up lately - keeping myself, for the most part, isolated- more than I already am. Trying to keep the illusion that everything is fine- dealing with my well meaning- but annoying as hell in-laws and trying to live day to day as a single parent without the benefits of being single. Not that I would have the time to do anything anyway- but still, I would have the choice. Things came to a head with CC a week or so ago- found out he was off to the casino a half a million times pissing away hoards of money we do not have (thanks to the cash advances on Visa). So I had it. Didn't speak to him or take his calls for days- literally would not answer my phone either cell or home for days (no, no call display) In case it was him. I just had nothing to say, still don't really, but I have started answering my phone again.
I turned 35 and it nearly broke me. Back again to that mentality that I have done nothing with my life and I am fat and bored and yet cannot get up an ounce of motivation. Sad about my uncle, angry about not having enough time or money to do anything. Trying to plan Christmas and the triplets party and fit in everything else. Calculating endlessly in my mind how much money I need for this and that and having $200.00 in my pocket that I got for my birthday and having a plan for what I was going to do with it- and ending up paying the visa bill with it- again, THANK YOU CC! I am just rambling and changing the subject aimlessly I know, but I have a mess of shit in my head and it is just coming out as it will. So for the past 3 or 4 days I having been spewing with thoughts- I have also noticed that I have been literally gritting my teeth for days now- 24/7. I guess that is my new thing- I woke up this morning after only a couple of hours sleep (here we go with that again) and my jaw is so sore- my teeth are aching I must have been gritting them so hard last night... sigh... It's just never going to stop- everyone tells me not to worry about this or that but it is my obsession- I must worry about something- and when I am not, then I am worried about not worrying. I know there has got to be something to worry about- Like for example- along with everything else I worried about right this second, I am also worried about an outing we are taking on December 27th! Me, the triplets and my 2 nieces are going to Disney on Ice with my mother and whoever else. And I am worried about that- They want to take the go train, and I am worried about that- How can I handled 5 kids in a busy place like a train station alone? What if one of them has to go to the bathroom? What if my mother is her regular bitch self and ruins it for all of us as she is so infamous for doing? Why did I agree to go? I am dreading it and worrying about it already. And I am worried about it a month in advance. Brutal. Also, just so you all know, I suck and the whole whoopdee doo about quitting smoking went to absolute hell in a handbasket- I was good for a week- and then it all went awry. Whatever- I will deal with that later- but how can I leave that for later? How can that not be my first priority? I am so stupid- I know it's the worst thing ever- and look at my poor sweet uncle- and yet I keep doing it- so weak- I am so weak. And this whole exercise thing- what the hell? Oh I had a plan- good intentions- and the bottom line is I got no moxi- I got nothing- Just a flat blob- who sits around praying for a miracle of some sort- win the lottery to buy my freedom- magically wake up and won't want to smoke again- hey win the lottery and buy me a new body! Dumb- lazy- stupid... I just don't get it. When I was trying to have children- I worked so hard for so long- no, not having sex - just everything- whatever had to be done was done- dr's every day, injections, drugs, bloodwork- everything. And when one way failed, I tried the next and nothing stood in my way- nothing- everyone told me to stop, not to put myself through it anymore- but I couldn't, I wouldn't I kept pushing on- what happened to that me? The one who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted? What happened to that me? Where did she go?

Might as Well Be 40...... Sigh

35 years old now
35 years of me
it made me sad
but I had the best time with Shell.
Stayed up til the wee hours
laughing, playing games-
Deal or No Deal
Family Feud
hilarious.
Had a few drinks
and smoked a joint
16 again
beautiful
it felt just like I needed it to.
didn't think about anything
or anyone
just enjoyed
and laughed
and was.

SECRETS

When I was about 7 years old, I was getting a "double ride" from a friend of mine. She lived across the street from me. I was sitting on the seat and she was standing up peddling. And for no apparent reason whatsoever, I thought it would be funny if I tickled her- right there at that moment. I did. We crashed, hard. I was fine, but she was rushed to the hospital by her father- nothing too too serious- but bad enough, I remember that. I Still don't know why I did it- and I still feel guilty about it- It still bothers me.

SADNESS

Even though there is no physical possible way for me to become pregnant on my own, this past week, I was 4 days late for my period- which I never ever am. I therefore, without merit, convinced myself I was pregnant. I don't know why- I know, I know there is no way- but I still did it- and today it all came to a head when I went into Toys R US and stopped in the baby section, got a lump in my throat, exited the store immediately and sat in my car and cried for 15 minutes.....

Yeah.. ok....

Ok I thought the photoshow would be a bit smaller so it wouldn't look so fuzzy but no.. ok whatever- we'll leave it for now but it may annoy me so much that I take it off- so look at it while you can... Yeah so I forgot to mention- and I meant to before- but I just realized the other day that I have almost 1100 hits to my blog here- isn't that special? So people are actually reading it... mmmm.. and just for those of you who will comment- or at least think it- I have my counter set up so that it doesn't count when my computer brings up the blog- so anytime I am here it doesn't count- just so ya know...
Oh Oh I must update you on my smoking.. well.. I did not vomit the next day when I tried to smoke- but I also did not have my first smoke until after noon! Which if you know me- you know that is like impossible. Before I do anything and I mean even so much as having my first morning pee- I have a smoke- no one shall dare talk to me or ask me for anything until I have my first smoke- so.. yeah I didn't have one until noon and even then it was only 2 drags! I am so serious! And I wasn't craving or anything- so to sum it up I have not had more than 4 cigarettes a day (24 hour period) since Friday- and I smoke at the very very least a half pack a day- so this is pretty fucken awesome- I am very confident that I will do this without any major trouble- its all going swimmingly... Seriously.. What can I say- it worked for me...

This is "BD" (before digital) so the pics are fuzzy- but still cute as hell

DESPERATION OR STUPIDITY??!!

OK so here's me- after the news about my uncle (which incidentally has nothing to do with smoking because he hasn't for over 30 years) I have decided, though I have spoken of it before and though I truly do enjoy it, and though if I didn't smoke I would most certainly drink (you deal with 4 year old triplets!) to quit smoking once and for all. And even though (jesus, is that the word of the day or something?) I fear gaining weight, I shall try... SO my new strategy???? Hypnosis/subliminal therapy. I have- now get this- burnt myself a CD that I shall play tonight whilst (yes, that is a word and quite frankly I love it) I sleep that will trick me or subconsciously make me not smoke anymore- yes you heard it right- after this evening, I shall wake up refreshed, reborn and without the cravings of a cigarette! Yes, that is right, - As of tomorrow I will be a non-smoker. And I have listened to the cd already just to make sure there are no hidden things in it like "when you hear the word GO you will cluck like a chicken" or any such things like that- In fact, as I understand it, if I even so much as put a cigarette to my mouth I WILL VOMIT. Yes. That is what I have been told. That is what my subconscious will hear tonight- I SHALL VOMIT if I try to smoke... right.. so this is it then. I'm good to go- I'm all set- yep... I'm off to the races- ready to start a new day as a non-smoker... yep... that is me- Jenna the non-smoker- smelling fine, tasting food normally, bye bye to morning coughing fits- hello to smoke free living- .. yep... ok... places your bets.....

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY .....

So I found out my uncle - my bestest most favouritest uncle has a form of lung cancer and has been given- basically 2 years to live- Like what the fuck? I don't understand- I cannot wrap my brain around it all- it is absolutely the most horrific thing I have ever been told. Now what? Now, we all go through the guilt- about not calling enough or seeing him enough and the I'm sorry's and the what if's and coulda shoulda woulda's. And we try to convince ourselves he isn't going anywhere and its all a horrible mistake. I cannot help but to feel selfish about it all- I want him here- I Don't want him to die- and meanwhile what he must be thinking- what he must be feeling- I cannot imagine. My stomach hurts- physically- it hurts and I am so scared- he was always going to be there- he is the only family on my father's side that was ever there- even when my father wasn't- which was never by the way- I remember going there for Christmas as a kid and feeling like I belonged there- that that was where I was supposed to be- and wishing that maybe someone mixed us up at birth and Auntie Anne and Uncle Jim were my real parents and one day we would realize it and all have a big laugh about it and I would stay there and never have to worry about the crap that was going on at home again- Anyway now's the time to do what we should have been doing for years and not put things off and say I love you and try to help as much as I can- do anything I can- and try to stop pretending this is all just a dream.

PICS FROM S's TURKEY DAY- TURKEY PINATA AND ALL!

The treehouse is courtesy of the Wish Foundation - that was Z's wish- for the ultimate treehouse- and that it is! Isn't it just like something out of a cartoon or something? Too cool.

MORE PICS FROM THE THANKSGIVING WEEKEND

THANKSGIVING WEEKEND

So overall it was a pretty good weekend- we kept busy. CC wasn't able to make it home- still working the nightshift out in Sarnia. So Saturday I had my sister and her family and my brother and his over for turkey dinner- it worked out well, the kids all kept busy playing, and I got a chance to on the occasion, sit and talk with everyone and of course squeeze my new baby niece who is absolutely scrumptious. So then Sunday we hung out and relaxed for the better part of the morning and then after lunch I realized how nice it was outside and thought we had better get out and enjoy it so I packed up some snacks and drinks and took the kids to the park- we ended up staying there for 3 hours!! So it was nice. Then Monday morning we set off for S's house and spent the day there- had a nice dinner- the kids ran themselves ragged- it was a good day and I was happy to be with S. We actually got to sit and chit chat too- my kids were behaving nicely and keeping busy - so it was good. Then Tuesday I took the kids to the "PUNKIN PATCH" up at Whittamore's Farm- they have all sorts of new stuff there so it was cool, took a wagon ride, went through corn mazes, it was a nice afternoon... So that's that- that sums up my weekend - it was nice- spent with family and friends- which is exactly how it should be....

I'VE BEEN TAGGED

I didn't know what the heck "tagging" was- but I think I caught the play: Here goes



3 Smells I love:
babies (their heads mostly- I know sounds weird)
Turkey cooking (yum yum it was turkey day today!)
Fall

3 Smells I hate:
The smell after it rains
Red meat cooking
Hospitals

3 Jobs that I have had in my life:
Pickle Factory
Legal Assistant
MOMMY!!!!

3 Movies that I could watch over and over:
My Life
Steele magnolias
Forest Gump

3 Fond memories:
Holding my babies for the first time
My Wedding Day
Anytime I spend with Shell

3 Jobs I would love to have:
Teacher
Actress
Writer

3 Places that I have lived:
Trailer
Apartment
House (ALL IN ONTARIO-sigh- no where fun)

3 Things I like to do:
Be silly with my kids
Spend time with my best friend
snuggle with babies

3 Of my favorite foods:
Rice with Gravy
Bagels and cream cheese
spinach and feta pizza

3 Places I would like to be right now:
DISNEY LAND!
Snuggled in my bed
1990

3 Websites that I visit daily:
CP24 (news)
BLOGGER.com
EBAY

3 Things that make me cry:
Being alone all the time
worries I cannot control
Not being able to help the ones I love

3 Friends that I am tagging: (The new chosen ones!)
Deb
Moe
and none of my other friends blog so will never see this and therefore it does not count....

I GOT CRITIQUED!

My Blog was Critiqued by critique my blog: here was what was said:


...."The above is the first post written by Jenna...this is a great example of the power of blogging...Some people say it can be addictive...like when AOL first came out and everyone spent time in the chat rooms and IM'ing people, others say it's an outlet and therapeutic, and others say it's fun to do. Whatever the reason it is clearly something that a lot of people do. Jenna's blog is full of stories about her life and kids...having kids myself I find some amusing...and she also incorporates poetry in her posts...nice job Jenna!"


So there you have it...

Ok last one today- I am on a poetry kick today- Actually, I'm stalling so I don't have to clean! HA!

You Can Never Go Home Again


Your heart is there.
Your memories linger through the halls
like ghosts.
The nicks I the wall remind us all
of your innocence.
But you can never go home again.
Your bills stack high,
No rest for the weary.
Everything is so new.
You have dishes to do and laundry-
Things don’t mysteriously clean themselves-
You thought they did
but you know the secret now.
You can never go home again.
When you wake on your birthday
there is no excitement.
No party hats or candles to bow out.
There is no one to ask if you’ve had a hard day.
No cookies and milk waiting for you.
You can never go home again.
When you are sick,
only the television is there to comfort you.
No damp cloths patting your head,
No chicken soup or puppet shows.
You make your own bed-
and now you must lie in it.
And you can never go home again.
Now you have your own babies.
It’s a whole new ballgame;
soccer, little league, ballet-
it’s never ending.
There are cookies to make for the school bazaar,
halloween costumes-
responsibility galore.
Oh how you wish you could go home again.
Funerals are attended more frequently.
You say good-bye to relatives that used to pinch your cheeks.
They used to send you money in cards.
Cards you never read- but cards mother always kept.
Now you send the money.
There is no time to find that special something.
There is no time for anything.
And you can never go home again.
Babies are all grown, leading lives of their own.
All the days you wish you would be left alone-
you long for now.
Hungry for a diaper change
or a scraped knee to kiss.
The house is quiet.
The house that is finally paid for, is silent.
And now their laughter echoes the halls;
their birthdays and first steps.
All of this rings through your head-
the projector is always running-
You see it on every wall.
From young to old in minutes.
Your mamma is gone
and now your babies too.
And they can never come home again.

UNTITLED - Wrote this years ago....

Will you leave the light on for me?


I promise to come back one day.


I don’t know when I can-


I only know that I will…

WHAT THE???!!!

So the other day, Pickle was invited to a lunch date at her little friends house. So, to forgo any freakshows with the boys, I took them to McDonald's for lunch and we even sat in the van watching a movie while they ate to make it a bit more interesting. So, anyway, I parked in the farthest end of the parking lot, it was empty, got the boys settled and eating and sat in the front seat doing different things to amuse myself like clean out my purse, text messaged a few people etc etc. So after only being there a minute or so, another car parked a few spaces down. It was a middle aged woman I suppose, I couldn't really tell. Irregardless, I glanced at her now and again and was shocked to see that in the 7 minutes she sat there in her car (yes, I timed her- well, I happened to just look at the time when she first drove up) she consumed a big mac, a cheeseburger (could have had bacon, not sure ) a large fry, a coke (probably diet - that drives me nuts!) and an apple pie. 7 Minutes! I was horrified at the rate she was consuming her food- it was crazy.. Anyway she finished, threw the bag in the back seat and hurriedly drove off. Not 2 minutes later another car drove up and almost the exact thing happened- Ok I am not exaggerating here- but in the 45 minutes (maybe ) we sat there- 7 women - all women drove up- and remember we are in the way far back of the lot- harfed down their food in massive quantities and drove off like mad women.. what the hell? Am I missing something? Is this normal? I cannot ever say that I have done that ever- not to say, maybe some were hungry, on a short lunch break, but my guess is, because sadly most of them were on the larger side, that this is perhaps a sneaky thing- go harf down Mickey Dee's before picking the kids up from school and pretend she wasn't cheating on her diet.. I dunno- I was sitting there after a while thinking I was on Candid Camera or something- it was absolutely unreal- just crazy shit.. anyway I thought I would share.....

MY NEW OBSESSION

Tonight at the kids' swimming class I finally saw my new niece- I am still sick so I could not pick her up or touch her- I had to admire her from afar.. but here is my new sweet baby booba - my little Miss Rylee.... I just want to eat her up!

PICKLEISM'S

Ok this chick is too much- everyday it is something else... I don't know where she gets it from - everyone says its me- but yeah no, I disagree- she's one of a kind this girl... OK so to set the scene, I was making a dvd for CC like a video slideshow- you know in case he's missing the kids or whatever he can pop it on - I put pics on there from birth up until now - anyway so I was watching after I made it, and there is a picture of her with me at a friends cottage- she was only about 7 or 8 months old although in the picture she looks only about 3 months old cause she was so small, and anyway she's in a bikini- (I know, can you just picture it? ) anyway she walks in the room as that picture comes up and she says "oh, look at me, aren't I precious in my zucchini!" ... I laughed all night about that... she's so funny...OK I will post the pic- it's very cute. (poor girl with no hair.... )

HIBERNATION WEEKEND

OK I liked the point form thing I did last time- It lets me get out a lot when I don't have a lot of time- so here we go again :

* Ended up at the hospital with Little man on Thursday- his asthma was so bad with him being sick- ended up getting 2 mask treatments and is on steroids for 3 days.. poor little lamb..

* I am now sick too- Boo Hiss!

* Last night at 11:45 p.m. my new baby niece was born- blonde hair blue eyes... Haven't seen her yet and with me being sick now it will be a few days.. I can't wait to squeeze her.

* Been giving a lot of thought to quitting smoking- I know I should have years ago- or better yet never started again after the babies- but I am scared that something will happen to me and where will my babies be then? I have to do it- even though I love it- yes, yes, I do love it so- but I must- I have to - I can do this-

* S and I have decided to spend thanksgiving together this year- she's had it with all the drama with her family and CC most likely will not be here so I think it will be fun- we've planned the whole day doing all the things we love- a little crafty session, lots of food and drink- and just all being thankful... oh that was gay huh? Oh well.. I am...

* Had a dream about S last night (the other one) I didn't remember it when I got up- but I just know he was in it. Still miss him, but it's better this way- I think.

* went through all the kids toys today and got rid of an awful lot. It was disgusting me how much stuff they have. But truly, it is my fault, I cannot help myself- I buy and buy- I always seem to find something for them whenever I am out- it's awful- I guess its because I had fuck all as a kid so I want them to have it all... yah yah.. poor me.. ha

* I was thinking (and if anyone knows a way to do this I would love to hear about it) that there are some people who read my blog that I would rather they did not- not to say that my blog is something special- it is what it is- but I would rather certain people didn't have an insight to what is going on in my life considering they haven't given a shit enough for over 5 years to call me or visit. I think it sucks that they can still find out what is going on with me without getting it from me - you know what I mean? Chicken shit- that's what- anyway I don't even know how these people or person as it may be found out about my blog- maybe by accident- but still I wish I could control who saw it and who didn't.. but I choose to do this for all the world to see, so I guess that's what I get.

* Making up a care package for CC. The kids are making pictures and "letters" for him and I am sending some dvds of the kids and stuff- hope I am not wasting my time. You never know how he will react to things- maybe he will be all happy and emotional- maybe it will be like- " what is this for?" men.. such asses....

* Ok it's after 1 in the morning... I still have toys out everywhere trying to find a place for things ... sigh.. why am I such a packrat?

POINT FORM UPDATES

Ok since I have so much to say and have been so negligent lately- I shall write in point form and if any of it needs clarification you all can ask and I shall elaborate... ok let's go:

* Little man is fine- took him to hospital, they made me feel stupid, I didn't care- got an appointment for a derm. -in NOVEMBER! Clearing up on its own- definitely wasn't what I was told it was originally- poor little man...

* CC came home for one night- starting to work a night shift now- won't see him for at least 5 weeks now for sure. He cried when he left- so did I- it was weird.

* All babies are terribly sick- started today- got worse as the day went on. Pickle had dance class- I didn't want to drag everyone there- she cried and begged to go trying to convince me she was feeling ok. I took her- she fell asleep on the way home and has been out ever since... poor little lamb.

* My uncle has lung cancer- or rather a mass on his lung which is cancerous- don't know if there is a difference. Love him dearly- my heart aches- I am scared and don't know how to approach it all. Again I have been negligent- always- there is never enough time- guilt eats away at me daily. Please let him be ok...

* Sister in law was due last weekend- being induced Friday- another girl- more joy- another baby to squeeze... I miss it terribly- having a baby around all the time- I wish I could have more- I would in a heartbeat- without hesitation.... sigh

* In laws have been here 3-5 times a week- slowly driving me insane- I must make it stop- I cannot deal with them here every day- it is too too much...


* Mr. Zach finally got his treehouse from Make A Wish foundation- he's in love- we have yet to see it- but I hear it is something out of the Hundred Acre Wood... just dreamy

* Curly got his finger slammed in a door (he actually did it himself trying to escape Little Man) it is awful horrible- gross- I cannot take shit like that- poor thing- purple bruised, sore- ouch! Poor baby...

* Literally having a phobia going outside at night- Smoke breaks and stuff you know- and why? Spiders! I have a big big problem with them- but it is getting to the point where I simply cannot bare it- I mean really like I am having a panic attack everytime I open the front door in fear I might see one or have one lowers its nasty self onto me. I know- ridiculous- welcome to the world of me...

* Christmas is coming. I cannot wait- Love it- already started shopping- can't wait to get some paper so I can start wrapping- LOOOOVE doing that ... stores already are stocking shelves with decorations and displays... LOOOOVE IT!

* what I love just as much as Christmas is Halloween- I am so excited to do up the house. It will suck this year because CC won't be here and who will give out the candy? You have to give out candy if your house is done up! It's like the law- so that is stressing me out.. see? why? Because I am me and I need to worry about something- always- might as well be that I guess.....

* cell phone is fucked already- just got it in May- my camera and video camera are all fucked up- like it shows up in night vision almost- hard to explain- bringing it in this week - they will give me a "loaner" and then probably tell me I did something to it or got it wet- WHICH I DID NOT. And I will be stuck with the piece of shit for the next 3 years.... that is my prediction.. we will see- maybe once again I will be pleasantly surprised when I am expecting the worst...

* A conversation overheard just now: Pickle to Curly " You can sit near me but don't touch my juice with your lips- it has germs on it- I'm serious...."

Ok Pickle is up and hungry- will snot running down her face- poor lamb- off to make chicken soup at 10:35 at night....

VECLEMPT ONCE AGAIN- TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES

Someone sent me this today and I almost bawled... get a tissue and read on...

TO MY CHILD

Just for this morning, I am going to
smile when I see your face and laugh
when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you
choose what you want to wear,
and smile and say how perfect it is.
Just for this morning, I am going to step
over the laundry and pick you up and take you to
the park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the
dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put
that puzzle of yours together.
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug
the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with
you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell
once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and
whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one
if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry
about what you are going to be when you grow up, or
second guess every decision I have made where you are
concerned.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you
help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you
trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us
to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can
have both toys.
just for this evening, I will hold you in
my arms and tell you a story about how you were
born and how much I love you.
Just for this evening, I will let you
splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you
stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all
the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle
beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV
shows.
Just for this evening when I run my
finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be
grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever
given.
I will think about the mothers and
fathers who are searching for their missing children, the
mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's
graves instead of their bedrooms. The mothers
and fathers who are in hospital rooms
watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming
inside that little body
And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold
you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then,
that I will thank God for you, and ask him for
nothing, except one more day.............

SIGH>>>>>

Ok so I have been lagging in my blog entries, returning emails and everything else lately- so if I "owe" you an email- I am sorry- and if you keep checking my blogs and see nothing new, I am sorry about that too. I have been researching the problems my little man has been having and it seems to have consumed me. Those of you who have read my previous blogs will know about the blisters my little man developed all over his fingers and hands last week. Since then we went to a walk in clinic where they were no help and just recently the pediatrician who said he had some strange viral infection with a strange name that basically he could do nothing for. Not only that, but it can last from a month to 2 years and he can spread it to his siblings- I'm told not to worry about infecting others because it would take "prolonged intimate contact" not casual- now.. since hearing this I have been researching it on the net and I beg to differ with this diagnosis- first of all it looks nothing like the pictures I have seen on the net and secondly it is spreading to areas it isn't supposed to if it is what they say . I also can't figure out where the hell he would have picked this up and why the other 2 don't have it- it doesn't make sense at all. I am not comfortable without having a second opinion- not in this case, not when I am not convinced this is what it is. I have asked their Ped to give me a referral for a dematologist, but so far I have heard nothing- I don't know if Dr's get their noses out of joint if someone wants a second opinion, but it urkes me. So I have called about 50 different dermatologist anywhere close to my home and everyone wants a referral. I think my only option at this point is to take him to a hospital and maybe there I can get the answers I need. I feel so sorry for him I could cry- it doesn't seem to bother him but at night when he sleeps I see him trying to itch his fingers and he moans and it oh so heartbreaking.... So bare with me people... Dr. Jen will be back once I figure this shit out...

THE REAL THING -SEE BLOG ENTRY A FEW POSTS BELOW

PICKLE'S CLIP ONS

HAVE TO POST EACH PIC SEPARATELY... GRRRR...

MY OTHER BABIES

Ok so first off, I am not a big "Fish" person- eating it or otherwise but CC has a huge 110 gallon tank which is in our basement. So, to try to get me into the spirit of the tank- which I hate because it is so fucken big, he allowed me to choose the fish that would go into it when we first set it up. So I chose fancy guppies- simple little fish, friendly and the males have beautiful flowing colorful tails. So anyway a couple of months after we had the fish in, I spotted a tiny baby fish and couldn't figure out where it came from. Well, I did some research and found that guppies procreate very easily and often and produce up to 25 fry at a time (that's fish talk don't ya know) so anyway I quickly named my baby fish Nemo because it seemed to be the sole survivor of what could have been 25 babies. Anyway, soon after, Nemo disappeared and it is still unknown whether he was sucked up the filter or eaten by another fish. Since then I have been able to monitor the female fish and figured out when they were about to give birth. I bought a birthing net (yes, I am officially a looser) and was able to get my pregnant fish into it and rescue the fry as she gave birth- the first 2 times I didn't see it happen and woke up the next day to find babies in the birthing net - and the last time I actually video taped the fish giving birth- it was pretty cool. So anyway the last big drop of fish came in May and I bought another small tank to keep all the babies in. So they have all been in the little tank since and oddly enough, there haven't been anymore births since then- none that I have been able to track anyway. So Today I transferred some of the bigger fry into the big tank- I now have 14 babies in the big tank and still 25 in the small tank and I must say I am rather impressed with all the colors coming out on them. Obviously we have no way of knowing which female mates with which male- so just in the past few weeks their colors have started to come out with some amazing results- much nicer than I had even hoped. And they are so so small when they are born and they are just all like see through eh, well, now we are getting some nice looking tail colours as well as some of them having beautiful colours on their bodies.. anyway I tried to take some pics of them, but between the glare of the flash, or being too dark, or too small or everyone fucken moving! (Stay still damn you all!) my pictures didn't turn out very well, I will select a couple and post them just so you can all see.. It's pretty cool. I'm now down to 3 males and 2 females of the original 14 total guppies like 4 months ago- but a couple got sick and some just perished under the stress of the fucken male fish chasing them around trying to get it on all the time.. Typical males... simma down na!!!

VERY DISTURBING

So there other day- I notice my son had what looked like a bug bite on his wrist- never thought anything of it and then yesterday I noticed he had blisters on his fingers- like one whole finger was blistered all the way around almost and then there was one on his palm as well- the one I thought was a bug bite also, now a blister. So I asked him if he had touched something- a lightbulb, anything to make him blister- he didn't say anything - he didn't know. So I touched it- it didn't seem to hurt him and he hasn't been itchy- Anyway I left it alone... But now today he woke up and had them on the other hand- in between his fingers and a few on his arms- now these are not tiny little pin sized blisters- these are like blister blisters- so weird.. so now both hands, mostly his fingers and a couple on each arm- WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD>>>>> so I take him to the walk in clinic today to get him checked out and the Dr is baffled- he says it definitely does not look like that hand foot mouth disease kids sometimes get because he has none on his feet or in his mouth, it isn't sore and it doesn't hurt or itch- so he hasn't a clue- he basically told me to keep an eye on him and if he develops a fever or it gets worse to bring him back but until then he doesn't know what to tell me. All that he could say is that it is extremely unlikely it is anything serious... I dunno man- just freakin weird.....

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

So the babies (babies... geez, cut the cord already!) went to school on Wednesday- first day of SK! I think I mentioned before- they now go all day every other day as opposed to every day in either morning or afternoon- anyway I hate it- not for me but for them. I think it is too much for them and confusing- it doesn't seem very consistent.... Anyway they seemed to enjoy it- they all did well, although there were only 6 kids there the first day, the rest come in slowly next week where they go all three days... sigh.. Anyway at least I will get some time to myself and be able to get things done.. I dunno- I guess I just worry...

Technical Difficulties

OK my last entry said it was including pictures of little pickle- yet there are no pictures there- don't know why it isn't working- I am aware of the problem and will continue to try to download them.. Thank you for your patience.... ha- aren't I formal.... fuck off- you'll see them when I get around to doing it- dumbasses.... there- sound more like me? HA!

Little Pickle and her "new ears"

So all of a sudden, out of the blue about a week and a half ago Little Pickle decided she "was ready" to get her ears pierced. I always told her when she was ready we could go and have them done. So one day she decided it was time. So Nana and Papa were coming over anyway that night and we decided then, we would go to the mall and have them done. So off we go. So the lady at the store went through everything with her and we picked the earrings out she wanted and got all set to go. As soon as the lady came near her with the gun, she flinched and was like "oh no no..." so the lady asked if she would feel better if she sat on Mommy's knee- so fine we got all ready again, and this time, when the lady came near her- (with a packed store to boot) she very loudly in a very concerned voice says "Mommy! I'm not ready!!" It was just priceless... So needless to say that halted everything- I wasn't going to make her do it- I didn't care if the earrings had to be thrown out that were already in the gun- fuck that I don't care... anyway so she started to get upset and I was just telling her not to worry- it's cool - we don't have to do it- so then she suggests maybe we just get some that just "stick on". So off we went to the display with all the clip on earrings and she picked out 3 pairs and she was happier than a pig in shit- it was sooo adorable.. So later that night CC called and she told him about our little outing and he told her maybe when he was home on the weekend he could take her (because he wears earrings -in one ear ) maybe she would be more receptive if he was with her- I agreed but secretly inside I was thinking yah, like fuck... anyway so when he came home this past weekend- we went and we all talked her through it. They did the first ear and I thought she was going to cry- It did hurt her and scared her I think. So after that she was done- she was all "no, no that's ok, I'm done now" and we were like we have to finish now- you only have one ear done! And she was trying to reason with us eh, it was so funny, she said "That's ok I only want one- Daddy only has one" things like that- I felt sorry for her- but soon enough we convinced her it was the right thing to do and that we had to finish- she gave in- and so now my little precious has pierced ears! Too cute- and of course, she thinks she is all that now- too sweet- so the first picture is the "fake earrings" the clip-ons, and the second one is the real deal... sniff sniff, my baby girl is growing up......

Get Ready to Read

Ok I think finally the slump is over- I have been very down in the dumps lately- I mean really down- my children were just horrific this past few weeks and I was quite seriously at the end of my rope- but good news- for 2 days now, they have been wonderful- still little tifs here and there but if you had only seen them the past while - it has been so bad- and all of them too- not just one of them- so let's hope this is the start of something wonderful again- let's just hope. Ok because I have been so down and stressed and everything else- all the things I have wanted to write about or meant to write about I haven't- so this is officially catch up day so you could see as many as 5 or 6 different blog entries today.. So get comfy- here we gooooooo.....

MAKE A NEW PLAN STAN

Ok so I have decided, after this weekend's events (of which I will fill you in later) that I have to start a new goals list- I have already partially done so with my diet buddies- but that was written in haste and I have many goals other than the diet thing although that will be highest on my list I think... Anyway I have much I would like to do- now, I need to get the motivation to do it all and things will work out just fine. One of the most important things to me which will in return make my life easier all the way around is time management and organization. I am organized in a sense- but I need more...Time management is tre important as I end up leaving things to the last minute and then am stressed and rushed... So we must work on this. Then of course there is the diet thing- got to get on track with that- I would ultimately love to be at my goal by Christmas so that you know you see everyone over the holidays and they are like "wow- look at her- she looks good" you know- so that's important to me- And then of course there is the all important self improvement- like looking into doing a correspondence course- and actually doing it this time- and get that diploma once and for all. There is no reason not to- so I am thinking about things and trying to get myself into a routine and get on it- immediately.... Time to start a new me... A better me- for me- not for anyone else- fuck the world- no one's gonna help me- I'm on my own in oh so many ways- so it's time to take the bull by the horns and go!!! Sounds pretty motivated don't it? Yeah, let's see how it all pans out.. Come on girl! Let's do it! Just do it!

THE VERY LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT

Ok Talk about a long recovery from vacation, I know- I have been, shall we say, a little out of sorts lately. Frustrated, sad, hating every moment of every day, tired, unappreciated etc. etc. etc. It seems, this past month has progressively gotten worse.
First things first- Update on vacation- we went to Wasaga beach- about 2 hours away from here- nice place- beautiful beach- kids loved that. I didn't however get a moments peace. The kids were unusually annoying, and "jerkseph" as we often call him was in rare form- freaking out at every opportunity, hitting, whining, and annoying everyone. Anyway- the days where it was nice enough to go to the beach we did just that and spent as much time there as we could - the kids were always good when we were there. CC managed to come up for about 5 out of the 7 days but again- I got no help or relief - but that I suppose goes without saying. Then magically my best friend S came up for 2 days and rented a place, on a whim right behind us- along with little Zack who was also, like mine, in rare form- I felt badly for S and even though I know she is used to it- I guess we all think things will be different because it's "vacation" and some how the kids will actually get it and just be nice and appreciative and loving- WRONG... Anyway at least I got to see her although again between hers and mine- we didn't get to spend the time together doing "our thing" like I would have liked. On another note- my nephew sure surprised me- firstly he is 15 almost 16 and brought his girlfriend with him who I like I suppose- but still there is something about her I don't and I can't put my finger on it- it could be just because I think no one will ever be good enough for him- anyway he and she spend literally 90% of the time in their room doing god knows what- sleeping, video games whatever- but they just hibernated in there the whole time and it really urked me. We actually got into it one night about that but I would rather not get into it- nothing serious really- I think at that point we had all just had enough..... Anyway - there were lots of disappointments on this vacation- but still all in all it was nice having a change of scenery and being at the beach for a few days.....
Since then, CC has been laid off from the job in Windsor and came home last night. He does however start another job on Tuesday this time in Sarnia- pretty much the same distance away which means he won't be here and we'll still be paying for hotel food etc. And mmm...Where do you think CC is now??? NOT HERE! I was out today for 1 hour this morning grocery shopping and he calls me while I am at the check out asking me where I was when I am coming back- he can't take the kids anymore etc etc etc. So the minute I walk in the door he's dressed and ready to go out- He ends up at some friends of ours who recently had twins- boy and a girl who I have yet to see- anyway that I didn't mind- but that was... let's see- 6 hours ago- he has since left there and has gone to another friend of ours. When I found this out I was pissed- I know it won't be a quick drop in- I told him I was not impressed and he commented about how he never gets to see his friends and blah blah blah wah wah wah.. I freaked out- I told him that I don't get to see my friends either- that my life for the past month has been fucken hell with these kids, that I can't even so much as wipe my own ass without a kid knocking on the door, or someone crying or fighting or whining. I told him- you got all freaked out about the kids today and how they were acting- LIVE MY FUCKEN LIFE! I have that 24/7! He doesn't get it- he thinks I'm living the high life here and it is so far from the truth its laughable! Anyway so I am completely annoyed with him- beyond belief- and all the feelings I have been having lately about telling him to come home and not worrying about the money that we will deal with it and do what we have to- and being tired of being alone and all that shit- well fuck it- get the fuck out of here- it'll just go back to the same old shit if he is here anyway and I will be worrying about that all the time- maybe its just better I don't know and let him do whatever the hell it is he does- I just gotta find my niche and create my own life here as a single parent- that which of course, I already am...
Whew...
OK next topic: Kid's go back to school on Wednesday- Sr. Kindergarten.
I am increasingly worried about this - on one hand I don't want them to go- on the other I am counting down the hours... Last year in JK they went every day in the afternoon- this year it has all changed and now they go ALL DAY every other day- well one week its Monday Wednesday- and the Next Monday Wednesday Friday and so on... I think it is confusing for kids and I also think a whole day is too much for them- they are still only 4- they are on the young end of school kids- they started at 3 when most start at 4 (in JK) anyway I think the system stinks and I just don't think its good to send them for a whole day- .. so I am worried about that- and I know my mornings now are just going to be ridiculous- having to get all 3 of them up and dressed and fed and off to school so early in the morning- talk about stress--- I can just see it-. And then of course there is Curly who is still having trouble writing his letters and he has no interest in it at all- it kills him to sit and practice with me- so I am worried about that. They just expect so much in Kindergarten now. When I was in kindergarten all we did was paint, colour, sleep and eat paste! Its just so much now- they are expected to know so much- sigh.. I don't know- I just worry.. Always worry....

What else... well, I dunno- I have just had the toughest few weeks- just crazy- the kids are out of control and I am loosing my fucken mind- I have permanent frown lines in my forehead and a constant headache. They won't listen to me, they have been fighting like cats and dogs, they demand things from me, they are rude and inconsiderate and annoying and just fucken out of their minds and I am really on the verge- like, seriously- all those years ago everyone told me how much easier things get- well that is fucken bullshit- things have gotten progressively worse as the years have gone on- like seriously- just fucken ridiculous- and let me tell ya something- if his mother tells me one more fucken time that "everyone has bad days- they are entitled to have a bad day too" or "well, what do you expect- you do have 3 of them 3X the trouble" or "They are just kids, that's what kids do" or any other of her fucken stupid remarks, I am gonna snap!! They have been over 4 times already since we got back last Saturday and not once did they ever offer to look after them while I get a break- they think that if we go out with the kids to the mall or here or there- that is a big help to me and a break- how the fuck is that a break for me may I ask??? Ok I can't get started on that topic or I will never stop- people are just fucken clueless that is all I can say about that.

Ok I better go- I have vented quite a bit and still have much to say- how about I leave it for tomorrow? Yes, yes, I think I shall leave it for tomorrow and continue my bitchfest then... I need a smoke god, do I need a smoke...

DID YA MISS ME?????

Ok so I'm back from vacation- Actually I was back Saturday but honestly I needed the last couple of days to regroup and relax- no, no, not much relaxing on this vacation- I will get into it more later- let ya'll know about the details and such- it was good for the most part- but not much rest and relaxation. So I will post some pics here to give you a sneak preview of the week and fill you all in later - I have no motivation for anything right now....

TOTAL WASTE OF TIME

Ok so I am so mad at myself. Today I did nothing I mean absolutely fucken nothing- I started doing a hundred different things- but stopped. I have a list of 87 different things I need to do or get or pack before Saturday morning and considering my kids were actually good today - I could have done any number of them or better yet all of them but I didn't. I did fucken nothing from the time I got up until this very moment other than posting a blog and answering a few emails. What a waste- I just couldnt get myself to do a thing today- the kids are lucky they even got fed! Anyway I would just like to say that I would invite anyone to say "shoulda, coulda" Or "that's what you get" when on Friday night I am blogging about how much I have to do and poor me and boo hoo.... so there ya go- y'all can give it to me good then- I will deserve it.....

TEMPTATION

Shadows call you from the darkness
begging you to come with them.
You want to-
nothing keeps you here.
Mot love
not friendship
or hope.
But you decline.
You're not sure why;
and you probably won't know for years to come
but you stay
and hope someday
you'll be thankful you did...

I'M FEELING VECLEMPT- TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES

So today was a day- a bad day- It started off on such a great note, but soon enough even my surprise package couldn't keep the smile on my face.. It was just a bad day and Yes, I know we all have them (as I was reminded about 50 times tonight by the MIL) Anyway nothing significant happened- the kids were just extra super bad today- fighting, yelling, jumping, making a mess- just crazy, into everything - uncontrollable, disrespectful, crying, whining, screaming, rude, wasteful... oh my god take a breath girl! It was just a bad day. I had a lump in my throat all day- you know the one you get right before you are going to cry- and if someone says the wrong thing to you it hurts almost, until you swallow real hard and then the tears flow.... haven't gotten to that point yet- the lump is still there but I will wait until they go to bed (which is any second now). Anyway it wasn't just the kids its just everything- I am lonely and tired of cleaning up after the kids, never getting to finish anything, etc etc etc. And even though I have that light (vacation in T MINUS 3 DAYS, 12 HOURS AND COUNTING) there's just something missing- and maybe its just the hum drum of spending each and every waking moment with 3, 4-year olds who don't have the mental capacity to appreciate anything- or maybe it's that the In laws come over 3 times a week but yet I never get a break- they never say- go out-we'll stay here with the kids. Maybe it's because tonight when we took the kids to the park- there were all of these families there- husbands and wives with their children playing, just being together- and I know that even if CC was here- that would never be there with us- I think (and I am not exaggerating in any way) there was this one time when the kids were just under a year old that he came to the park with us- anyway maybe it's because I am scared that I am just not enough- and that yes it is too much for me and I have never been able to admit it- Maybe ME is just not enough for them- I always worry about splitting my time with them- making sure to pay attention to all of them- praise all of them.. doing enough with them, for them. Maybe I am just thinking all of this because it was a bad day- but I am afraid I am not enough and I am screwing up my kids- when it all becomes too much- I have no release- and I find myself screaming at them, and being angry. Maybe I am afraid I am going to turn out like my mother- an angry bitter fat old woman....

THE KINDNESS OF ALMOST STRANGERS

This morning I was pleasantly surprised by a knock on the door. When I opened it, there stood a delivery man (and a cute one at that) with a package for me! Well, first of all, a package, or anything I receive in the mail or otherwise is like Christmas to me. I looove getting mail! Anyway I had no idea what it could be so I opened it as quickly as I could and there were 3 books inside. I looked at the hand written notes tucked into a couple of the books and discovered they were from my new friend Patty- and I just about cried. A few blogs back I had written 25 random things about me and one of the things I had written was that I hadn't read a book in a very long time; and here were 3 new books for me to get started on. Now how is that- how is it that someone that I had just "met" (and we haven't even met officially by the way) would go out of their way- and do something for me - had me specifically in mind. I am just floored by the thoughtfulness and kindness she has shown me. In a recent blog of hers she had written about how hard it was for her to treat herself the same way she treats others- I too have a hard time being nice to me you know- and even though I should be giving her shit for yet again doing something for someone else- I just want to reach out and give her a big hug- because today I know someone thought about me and care enough to surprise me and made me feel good - so today I am sending a great big hug and thank you to a kind soul. And now, I am going to pour myself a cup of coffee and open up a book and read- until of course someone starts screaming for me or there is juice to clean up off the floor or they start wrestling or punching eachother. So thank you Patty- you really made my day......

A LITTLE BIT O' BRILLIANCE

I don't know who wrote this- but it is brilliant....

"Loving you, is giving you my heart, knowing you have the ability to break it but trusting that you won't"

SAYS WHO?

Apparently, this is what being born in November means....




Your Birth Month is November

Tolerant and inspirational, you are wise beyond your years.
You are universally sympathetic and a great humanitarian.

Your soul reflects: Compassion, friendship, and secret love

Your gemstone: Citrine

Your flower: Chrysanthemum

Your colors: Dark blue, red, and yellow

25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME

1. I am short
2. I have never liked my body - not even as a small child- (no I am not anorexic)
3. I have a phobia about cutting my hair even though it would probably look better short.
4. I am a packrat and loathe the thought of throwing things out (no, not food or garbage- just stuff)
5. I have an obsession with pictures- I take as many as a hundred a week.- Most of them suck though.
6. I have been with CC for 16 years (in 2 weeks) almost half of my life....
7. I used to be a very good singer- my school used to pay for me to go to music camps to sing to represent the school.
8. I also used to fit into a size 3- and in fact I still have jeans in a size 3 that I will for some reason, not throw out (see #4)
9. I looove chocolate- I could eat it for every meal- I really really could.
10. I have never in my life thrown up from drinking- and I have drunk a lot!
11. I have never tried acid or coke or anything like that- pot and mushrooms is as much as I have ever tried- I was too scared- still am.
12. Even though I have my precious beautiful triplets, I lost 7 before them and I still think about that a lot- even though I am eternally grateful to have the 3 I do.
13. I have a birthmark on my wrist that looks like a hickey.
14. Other than my wedding day, I have never had a manicure or pedicure. (and even then I only had fake nails put on- does that count?)
15. I smoke, and I have asthma. I quit when I was pregnant (each time) and I should never have started up again- but I did- DUMB!
16. I haven't worn my wedding rings in about 2 years.
17. I haven't read a book (other than kiddie books) in about 5 years- maybe more- that's brutal.
18. I used to write in a journal everyday; since I was very very young. Now I wish I never stopped because there are some points in my life I do not recall-
19. I can wiggle my ears.
20. Other than my one son, I had totally different names in mind for the other 2 but I backed down because everyone hated them.
21. I never finished high school- 1 credit short.
22. I slouch like crazy- it is awful. I started doing it subconsciously when I hit puberty because my boobs were so large - now I can't stop doing it.
23. I have the worst short-term memory.
24. I have very bad hearing- and am terrified to get it checked out.
25 Dr.'s terrify me in general- everytime I go they find something wrong.

MONDAY=FUNDAY

So after CC left yesterday we took the kids to Ontario Place. We didn't get there until afternoon- but the kids had a great time- although Pickle noted on the way home that I ruined her life. She was mad at me because we left and didn't stay for another "16 hundred hours". But other than that it was fun- Little Miss was sweet as pie as usual. Next stop- VACATION!!

I STAND CORRECTED

Ok well, mmm... how can I say this? Ummm well, I was wrong- dead wrong. The weekend was great- we did everything together and there was no sitting around wasting time watching hours of tv. We went out, did some shopping, took the kids for lunch - took them to an arcade and mini-golf which they loved- had a good old fashion barbecue- we did it all- and it was nice he didn't make one attempted to call his friends and go golfing or out- - he seemed quite content to be where he was- which never seems to be the case. So it was nice- but it went by so fast. Ok and get this- when he left and we were all saying good bye I got all veclempt and tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't talk in fear of breaking down. I don't know if it was because of the kids- and how they were all hugging him and telling him they will miss him, or if it was because I will miss him, or maybe because I was sad that things couldn't always be the way they were this past weekend, - I don't know why- but I teared up- and he saw it too- I know he did (but you know men- can't handle emotion- let's pretend we didn't see anything) anyway it was strange- I thought about it a lot yesterday as to why- and I don't really know... but anyway it was good weekend afterall- although I blew my diet totally..... sigh... oh well, it's a new day....

SEX MAKES YA SKINNY

Mmmmm... Ok maybe it's just me but does anyone else feel really skinny after sex? I have always felt this way- but for about maybe a half hour afterwards I feel skinny- smaller- I don't know what it is- and of course I am not- but for that little bit of time after - I feel exactly how I want to feel all the time...

THE HOMECOMING

So CC is coming home tomorrow (today really, it's 2 a.m.). Anyway I don't expect him until about 9 p.m. and as of now we don't have plans per se but he has promised to take little Curly to the driving range to use his clubs that he just had to buy last year for the first time this year. So let's see if that happens. He was also pissed drunk when I talked to him this evening (surprise surprise) so we will see what happens. I was hoping to have a BBQ on Saturday with a couple of friends of ours but it may not happen as they have tentative plans- I really hope they do though- I could use a "sit back and have a few beavies" kind a night, but we'll see. I can expect however to do laundry this weekend as he let me know he "didn't get a chance to do any" the last few days- which means "at all- ever" and I will be spending the majority of my weekend washing his bacon stripped undies... sigh... anyway I am trying to keep positive- I may be pleasantly surprised and the weekend may go swimmingly..... HAHAHAHAHAHA ! Who the hell am I kidding??? Anyway in case I don't write during the weekend- expect an update after he leaves on Monday... Place your bets!!!!!

MISUNDERSTOOD

OK something has been bothering me for quite some time
now and I keep avoiding the subject and not even blogging it on the off chance
this person will read it- but I'm going to write it anyway because I need to get
it off my chest and because this person doesn't need anymore stress in her life
and I feel badly for even feeling this way, I won't say anything to her because
I don't want to hurt her even though I am hurting right now- but I do feel this
way and even if what I am thinking is not the case, I feel this way and I am
going to write about it and maybe it will make me feel better. We cannot help
how we feel after all, can we.
Ok my best friend in the whole wide world
means everything to me and any chance I can get I will go to see her and spend
as much time with her as I can- I miss her terribly all of the time and it
bothers me she isn't so close anymore and we don't see eachother often... Now,
here is the deal- S. and CC don't get along- well, I shouldn't say that- they
can and have but S doesn't like CC too much and I can't say as I blame her and
definitely do not fault her for that in anyway- so... When CC went away quite a
number of times she suggested she come and stay for a couple of days either with
or without her kids- just for a change of scenery, and just to hang out together
you know. So one week it was this reason the next that reason and the next yet
another reason, all of which had validity I know-- but definitely I think it was
more of she didn't want to or couldn't be bothered. Now this coming down here to
stay thing has been a topic of conversation since my kids were born. Even with
CC here. More over we would have converstaions (a million times) where she would
say "get rid of your hubby for a weekend and I will come down" So I thought for
sure with there being no chance of him being here to spoil anything she would
come- but no. And then of course on another note, months ago when my sister and
I booked a cottage for a week in August she was all gung ho about renting one at
the same time and we went on and on about how fun it would be- and months went
by and she didn't book didn't book, and I figured ok she's not going to go away
and then she called yesterday (which is what got all of this into my mind to
begin with) and said she was booking for a few days- the week before we're
going- well, a couple of days anyway and in fact leaving the day before we go...
I was just crushed- what would have been the difference booking a couple of days
later so we could all go together? That's what started me thinking that it must
be me- or maybe my kids. I know they are a handful but maybe that is what it is,
maybe that is why she continually avoids coming to my house (she has been to my
house once in almost 2 years) and no matter how many times we plan things-
something always comes up- now yes, it is me as well, not being able to go up
there after we have planned something- I know shit happens, but every chance I
get I go up there and to lug 3 kids with me each time- its a bit much - and even
when they were babies I did it- every time I go running and yet no one ever
comes here- Christmas holidays- nothing- march break nothing- summer nothing- it
doesn't matter when it's talked about- it just never seems to happen- I don't
understand it- maybe it is truly all coincidental- but it makes you wonder after
a while. But yet- if our crazy friend M calls- then she will go to her- or spend
a weekend with her- or have her over with her kid- or go to nut houses to see
her and everything else- yet with me it is different. She knows I am alone 90%
of the time, she knows I love her to death and would see her every day if I
could- but yet there is no effort at all- absolutely none and I am so saddened
by it all- I don't want to fight about it because I am not mad- no not mad at
all - just hurt and not understanding what it is about me that is so hard to
make an effort for- I cried my eyes out when I got off the phone with her
yesterday- I just don't understand it- I know she is close with her family and
they see eachother every single day but even that- when she would come down here
to visit her mom before she moved up there- she would come down for days and
never bother to call and say she was down so I could come and visit or they
would go out (down here) and never bother to call and say hey we're going here
or there "met us there" never! Well ok maybe once or twice- but I dunno- I am
just hurt and sad, I just don't understand..... and that is all I have to say
about that- and incidentally- it didn't make me feel better...
sigh.....

ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CRY

So CC, is still gone and tonight Curly comes up to me with a piece of paper and a crayon and asks me to help him write a message- so the message went as follows as dictated by Curly:

"Dear Dad. I love You . I want to see you tomorrow. P.s. I love you."

And if that wasn't cute enough.. he then asks me to make the paper into a paper airplane.. which I start to do and then I ask him- why and he says- so we can throw it in the wind and it will float to Daddy- CAN YOU FUCKEN STAND IT? How cute is that... Too bad their dad is such an asshole....

Mooooooo

So the summer is going by soooo quickly it is scary- I feel sorry for the kids- not that they say anything- but I feel like I have ripped them off, like I haven't done anything with them this summer- we've done some visiting, and had a couple of playdates and yesterday I took them for a movie (never again by the way) but I feel like they haven't done much this summer- Mind you they are only 4 - what the hell do they know? But still, I want to make the most of the summer - this September they go to school all day every other day and it will be so much for them... sigh.. anyway today was nice though- they had a playdate and I got 3 hours by myself! The first time I think since CC went away! It was glorious! I spent like 2 hours in Walmart... ohhh sigh speaking of which- you know sometimes I look at myself and think, no, I'm not so bad, I'm not really that fat- and then, you go and try to buy some clothes... then reality punches you right in the fucken face! Because I had the time alone, I was at Walmart and I was trying to find a bathing suit wherein I didn't look like a cow, and sadly, there was no avoiding that. So I gave up and went shopping for some capris or shorts or something like that- I mean I can't wear pants every day of my life can I? And, maybe I am shopping at the wrong stores, or maybe, more probably I guess, I am just wayyyyy fatter that I even think I am and there is no getting away from it. Who the hell is a size 00 anyway??? That's just wrong!!!!!