TAG YOU'RE IT!

Ok I was tagged again- I really have a tough time writing facts or odd things about myself- I don't know why but I can never think of anything- so bare with me this is probably going to be boring....



The Rules:*Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.*Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.*Players should tag eight other people and notify them that they have been tagged.



1. I am very much a homebody. Even as a kid I was like that- I would get "sick" every time I had a sleepover and have to go home. I would rather be home than anywhere else in the world. It's weird because especially when I was a kid- things were so bad- and we lived in the worst places- people's basements, trailers- seedy hotels- and I would still rather be there than any where else- alone mind you- but still "home".

2. I am lazy. I mean I really am. I try to justify it but telling myself that I deserve a break- but I am lazy- like now for example- my house is a mess and laundry needs to be done and yet I am sitting here typing because I am too lazy to clean. I waste time and start projects just to avoid cleaning or doing something I should be doing. I suck.

3. I don't cook- I hate cooking. If not for CC's grandmother making a meal for us once a week- my kids would really not eat home cook meals. I do taco nights and spaghetti nights- but I have never like made a roast beef dinner or a sit down all- four- food -groups meal for them- I just don't have it in me- I hate it so much.

4. I put too much energy into stupid things- this kinda goes along with my laziness point above. Like things that don't really matter or that won't be appreciated or remember I will put incredible effort into- and go all out- but yet- maybe it's just to avoid doing other things...

5. I have always wanted to play guitar or piano- I bought a keyboard once and hundreds of music books and put the stickers on the keys and everything- but I just can't do it- I mean I am so unco-ordinated it's almost silly- but I really wish I could play- I would love to be able to sit a a piano and play something- my dad tried to teach me once when I went down to Florida to visit- I know how to play part of a prince song because of him... now that I think about it- that is one of the very few memories I have of him and I - and I was probably 15 or 16 at the time....anyway- not a rock star...

6. I hate having people over at my house. family- I can deal with. But I am not a House party person- I hate hosting anything or being responsible for making sure people are comfortable when they are here because the whole time I am not comfortable. I mean it really irks me and I don't know why- I hate it- I am the worst- I forget to offer drinks or food or anything- I am just awful- I think maybe I am just territorial or something- but I just don't like people here- just stay away- stay away- if you knock we will pretend we are not home!! HA!


7. I have a very intense phobia about spiders and webs- I mean like the fear paralyzes me to the point (some of this may sound familiar to some of you) that I won't go outside at night because of it. I am terrified when I walk out y front door in the morning that I will walk through a web- I usually walk out the door swinging something in front of me in case there is a web there because if it touches me I will surely die- and have the heebie jeebies all day about it and look like a nut-case twitching and itching all day...

8. I have never shaved the top part of my legs- the thigh I mean- I do have hair there- but it is blond and sparse- I don't know if it is because I am lazy- but I think more so because I just don't see the point- if it's not thick black ugly hair coming in- why would you do that do yourself? Us women have enough to do don't ya think?Why would you go through all of that? Am I wrong? Is this normal? See, I don't even know if I am wacko or if there are others "like me" out there.....


Ok that is all I have in me for now... I am going to tag Moe, Debbie and I will have to check to see who hasn't already been tagged by Patty to see who else.. stayed tuned...

CC's THEME SONG

Ok loving this song.. it should be his theme song...



Better Than Me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
While looking through your old box of notesI found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the endI really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

YAWN....

Ok so I am not sure where to start. Not that anything remarkable has happened- but i hate that I let my blog go without updating it and then I have got so many thoughts I don't know which one to start with. Ok I will just start typing and see what comes out....


So CC update- I am sure you are all curious... Things are weird- I am starting to get that feeling of loathing him back again. The honeymoon of his "recovery" and his slip and his second "recovery" are all but over. The only difference that has remained is that with the children. And I tell myself I can live with it- that if he is good to the kids and taking an active part in their lives and they are happy with him- that I can hold out- I can sacrifice my own happiness so that they can have a dad in their lives but I know that is stupid and I deserve more and in the long run it will be better for the kids - but I just don't know what to do. I have been going about my own life basically- went out (and even slept over) on the weekend to Shell's to an 80's birthday bash for her cousin and had a great time.. it was fun- we dressed up in our old 80's gear and everything... I'm making plans to get together with old school friends c/o facebook thank you very much and just not worrying about him- just going on with things and living life and enjoying my kids..

This morning I had a breakdown- I mean just out of nowhere I am sitting out having a smoke (yes, still smoking) and started crying. It's all going by too fast- it's all happening way too fast and I can't slow it down- the kids are getting older and growing up waaaay too quickly- they are going into grade one in September- it's all just happening too fast.. I hate time...

I am worried constantly. Everything is falling apart- I mean literally- we need a new washer- mine leaks out all over every time I do a load. My van is screwed up ( a known problem by GM that after a certain amount of time the manifest intake gaskets let oil leak into your engine!- and they never recalled- of course I didn't know this when I bought the van) anyway probably about 2 k to fix- all the windows in my house are fucked- my front door is fucked- my back deck looks like shit and is probably going to fall apart- the driveway needs to be paved looks like shit- it's just all piling up- and of course i worry about this shit every day- and then there's the money issue- CC's union has been striking all over the place and he is probably next- lovely... I didn't get to sign my kids up for any activities for the summer- I didn't have the money at the time- of course you have to register kids in February or March for any summer shit around here and I just didn't have it at the time so there is no baseball no soccer no nothing- my poor kids...

Worry worry worry..

NEW LIFE

So on Friday me and the three little pigs went to my BFF S's house to celebrate her birthday and her daughter's. We had a good day- I always feel so refreshed when I am with her- just to sit and talk and laugh- she has the best laugh- and I know that it is always genuine you know. Anyway we had a great day and we ended up staying the night. We had a "campfire" and it was so late so we stayed over. S and E and I ended up staying up until 2 a.m. watching a DVD I put together of me and S. from years past. Most of it was from 1990- before CC - we went to "visit" my father in Florida and almost literally spend the entire week locked up in my Dad's apartment making videos- because at the time I didn't have a video camera (not like now or for the past 10 years where it has been permanently affixed to my hand). Anyway it was the greatest week ever and that video of us- 18 years old- was just the greatest thing- we seemed so much younger and so silly- but so happy- and we made each other laugh so much - We, just as we still do today- fit so perfectly together- we know what the other is thinking and laugh about the same things- anyway although it was kinda sad watching it (this was all well before S's disease started and she could walk) it put a warmth in my heart and I dreamt about it all night... Anyway I just love her so and I don't know what I would ever do without her. Anyway I saw Patty's post today and I laughed because just like her little baby birds- S had a nest of baby robins on the shed in her back yard so I will show some pics of that- all brand new and fuzzy and sweet.. we figured out the baby's were born on S's birthday- May 15th- so she has adopted them as her little babies... just precious.. new life.. cant beat that...

SECRET/SADNESS

Everyone thinks I am such a good mom- I get that all the time. They call me "supermom" and "mother of the year" and "the best mother I know" etc etc. But I am not. I am so far from the best mother that it is scary- and sad. My kids don't like me most of the time. Pickle always comments when I am "nice". Like she will say (in her own dramatic way) " mmm... you're being pretty nice right now. " or " I like it when you are nice mommy." And what kills me is that I try- I really do try. And I know mothers are almost always under appreciated and their kids never know just how much their mom's do for them- from the smallest things- and I do a lot for them- things they will never know about or possibly ever appreciate- but I am not a good mother- and the saddest part is I know why I am not- and I try to put everything else aside- but I let it overwhelm me- and I take it out on them. I don't hit them or anything- but I am not a good mother and I am scared to death they are going to be like me or him for that matter- and it will be because I didn't stop it- I let things go, I said too much, I said too little, I turned the other way- I blocked things out- could have would have should have things to death- I am not a good mother- and I should be. And one day- they will hate me for it....

Ok, Ok I'm back.....

Ok I know, it's been a while. I think I am going to do a series of posts rather than put all the info into one long long post- So here- as my first post is the explanation as to why I have been MIA for so long. It started with Pickle getting sick, which then was passed to Curly- then I had a couple days rest and then Little Man got it- and then to top it off, Pickle got it again and by Mother's Day I had Little Man in the hospital- so that was a two week period- and then, literally after getting home with Little Man from the hospital where he had 4 mask treatments, I came down with it- and I had it bad. I can honestly say that I have never ever been that sick before in my life- I mean it knocked me on my ass for 3 days and lasted a good week- Monday morning came and I literally could not get out of bed- I couldn't send my kids to school because I could not physically get up. It was awful- at night's I lied and cried because I felt so bad. I mean I don't often get sick (unlike my younger days) and when the kids get it- I usually don't and if I do, I can suck it up and go on with things no matter how shitty I feel- but this time- this time it got a hold of me and kept me down- it was awful- just dreadful... but I am happy to report (and I mean FUCKEN HAPPY) that I am feeling good again and hope I never have to feel that way again ever ever ever ... so there ya go- nothing dramatic really or exciting- I was just sicker than sick can be - so there ya go... ok throughout the night I will continue posting and update you all on the happenings of my ridiculous life....

FIRST GRADUATION.....MANY MORE TO COME- I HOPE

PICKLE is the funniest! Can you stand it??

OK I could just smack them all- I got the proofs back from their graduation photos and they are so cute I can't stand it- Just amazing....

CURLY has trouble smiling on command!

Gotta love the thumbs up poses!

"WE SAW NATURE"

Ok so on the weekend, it was nice so I took the kids to our most favourite free places to go. We call it the Chipmunk Park but its like a conservation area and there are thousands of chipmunks that will come right out and eat out of your hand. We go quite often in the summer- this was out first trip out there this year- I think the baby chipmunks were still hibernating because we didn't see too many- but we saw "nature" as the kids call it and it was a fun afternoon with them...
This is Little Man- and if you look close you can see a little Chipmunk taking a peanut from his hand...

LETTERS NEVER SENT 1

Dear __________;

I saw you in a video yesterday- other than pictures, it is the first time I have seen your face, or heard your voice in years. My heart stopped the minute you came on screen and I could barely catch my breath. It seemed like it was only a few months ago that we stayed up late into the night, laughing- always laughing. And even when distance and life separated us, we were still us and we still could pick up that phone and go right back to where we left off.
It breaks my heart that you aren't here anymore. I am still confused and sad. I don't really know what happened and no one is talking- even now- 5 years later. I saw a picture of your little ones, who are not so little anymore and I wonder how they get through the day- without their mamma or their daddy. And I hate myself for not being there for them- and how everything became so busy and overwhelming. I am sure they don't even remember me. It bothers me that you never saw my kids, you never saw my babies and it bothers me that at the very moment I was watching over them- trying to get them home with me- you were dying and I never knew. Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you just once call me and tell me?! I would have come- I would have sat by you and we would have laughed and talked and you would have had someone there- Why didn't you just call me? I am angry that your family never called me either- not even when you died. I am angry because it was over a month after that I got the call- I didn't even get to go to your funeral. And as ironic as it all is- the last time I actually saw you in person was at your husband's funeral. And I thought then- how will you make it without him- he was your world... And less than a year later- you went to him- and even though I have the comfort of knowing you are together- I want you here-
I see your face all the time in crowds or while I am driving and I can't remember how many times something would happen and I would say Oh ______ would get a kick out of this- or I can't wait to tell ____ about this- I gotta call ______. Oh I miss you terrible. I wish you were still here- I am sorry I didn't know and didn't call and didn't see you more often- I am sorry your babies will grow up without you- and I am sorry I will too. You were such a big part of my life for so long. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you...

NEW "SEGMENT"

Ok so I don't know about you all, but I am certainly tired of talking about CC and all of his bullshit and MY RIDICULOUS LIFE. So, Along with my SECRETS and SADNESS and GRATEFUL posts, I am adding a new one.. LETTERS NEVER SENT. There have been so many times I have either written someone physically or just wrote them a letter in my mind and never sent it or bothered even to write it down and send it- so I am going to start posting them here- one rule- you are not allowed to ask me who the letters are for- I won't tell you anyway, you can just leave it to your imagination.. it'll keep ya guessing anyway .. so stay tuned. I was going to do one now, but it's almost one in the morning and I just finished cleaning the 100 gallon fish tank ( Yuk yuk) and I feel the need to shower- like now.. plus Pickle is very sick (poor little lamb) and I am sure she will be up a hundred times tonight so I better get my business done and get some sleep... talk to you all soon...

PICKLE AND THE TOOTH

OK amidst all the chaos of MY RIDICULOUS LIFE ( I think that is my new catch phrase or whatever you call it- or perhaps the title of the book everyone keeps telling me to write) Pickle's tooth finally came out- with a little coaxing- and a whole mess O' drama- I ended up making a 20 minute DVD of the entire thing from the moment we learned of her loose tooth right up until the tooth fairy visit- it turned out pretty cool- anyway here's pic of Pickles' gap...too cute..

IT'S JUST KILLING YOU ISN'T IT?

Yes, I know, all of you are just dying to know what the hell is going on in my ridiculous life.. (insert sarcasm here). To make a long story short- because honestly I don't feel like taking about it at all really, CC went back to Sarnia to work- and swore up down that nothing was going to go on, he wasn't about to throw it all away again blah blah blah... he was gone until Saturday night, was on his way home and after he was like MIA for like 2 hours- I found him (via Bell seek & find - a GPS kinda thing on our cell phones ) at his little boyfriend Fatasses.. I called him and freaked out- he came home and I didn't speak to him at all- and the next morning- the kids and I got up and I left him a piss jar and a note asking him too pee in it because I had- oh yes I had, purchased home drug tests and he was going to prove to me he wasn't up to anything. So he claims he didn't see it- he stalled, he hummed and hawed, and finally came down with the container that looked remarkably clear. I said- this ain't piss my friend and he was all- yes it is, drink it then- I almost did- but gave him the benefit and dipped the stick- and what do you know- everything came out negative.. so then I think- no this isn't right- and I stuck my finger in it- and it was ice cold- I was laughing- I was like are you that fucken pathetic that you think you can get away with cold water as your piss? And then I thought holy fuck, I know what he did- that morning Curly came in and used my bathroom and I told him not to flushed so as not to wake up Daddy- he fucken scooped the piss out of the toilet and tried to pass it off as his own! Can you believe it? I was like are you fucken kidding me? Of course he denied it and finally after I asked him if he thought it was possible that he could piss this cold, he said he pissed in the toilet and then scooped it out- HA! What a fucken looser- so the day goes on and I remind him constantly that he will piss in a cup and he will do it in front of me or he can pack his shit and walk out that door forever- so yadda yadda yadda day goes on, and then just about an hour before he is leaving to go back- he does it- and I test it and what do you think happened? Oh you got it- positive for cocaine... what a fucken surprise- the fact is, I wouldn't have really been upset if it had of come up positive for pot- (it's a 5 drug test- like it tests for 5 different things- most of which I haven't heard of) but anyway so I just laughed at him- told him he was a looser and had no balls and what a fucken surprise- the second he goes back out there it all starts again- and then of course I bring up his girlfriend and he swears he hasn't seen or talked to her- Oh just like you haven't been doing drugs?? Yah, that's what I thought- so basically I told him to go then- get the rest of your shit and go I can't do it anymore- no hard feelings, no crying - no nothing- just go- I can't do this anymore- I can't live through one more lie- one more disappointment- one more glimmer of hope for a better life that is snatched away from me- just go then.. just go.. so off he went - after having an extremely uncomfortable final dinner with the kids- and then of course he calls me crying saying he is sorry and claims he didn't even do it in Sarnia- that it was here before he left when he did it - Bullshit- and it was only a tiny small line- BULLSHIT- and it was only one time- BULLSHIT and that someone from work gave it to him BULLSHIT (last I checked, people don't walk around giving out coke for free) and so I told him I have done my research- that I know it only stays in your system 3-5 days and 5 days is pushing it unless you have done a lot- so the lies pile up on top of each other and I know he has nothing more to say or nothing else to lie about because he has confused himself so much.. and I hang up- and try to continue on with my evening with the kids and try to hold it together and my heart felt so heavy- and sad- and even though- just like all the other times, I knew something was happening, there is always that part of you that thinks maybe I am wrong- maybe this time he will surprise me... but it never seems to work out that way... it just never does. So how did we leave it? Well, it's interesting because nothing has been discussed really- I keep trying to get the nerve up to call the lawyer and try to figure out what the next step is, but I am paralyzed by it all, and just as I said that I didn't want to talk about it- I also don't want to think about it- I want to pretend that none of this is happening. I just don't want to deal with this at all- not today, and maybe not tomorrow... I just don't wanna! I feel like throwing myself down on the ground and kicking my feet and pounding my fists and crying- I don't wanna! I don't wanna! It's not fair! it's not fair!... maybe I will...

The first section is coke, second pot, third opiates etc... one line is positive- 2- negative..... what an ass....

YADDA YADDA YADDA

Ok I only have a second to write so I will just say a couple of point form things- just to keep you coming back for mo'!

* Guess where CC is right now? (Well, since last week sometime- don't even remember when)- SARNIA! Yes the very same place he was before, where his girlfriend lives, where he did drugs and lied to me for months... yep... that is where he is.....

* Got my nicotine replacement patches in- 6 weeks worth- I'm afraid to put one on.. I don't know if I am ready...

* Haven't even touched my course for my diploma yet - even though I got it in a month ago... no drive- none....

ok that is all I have right now- can't think too straight today- my van is fucked and it is worrying me and I'm tired...

SADNESS

Took my Christmas clock down today- time for me to accept that Christmas is over.....

HIDE IN YOUR DREAMS

So aren't I just the blogger today- anyway got to do something to keep my mind off things- I had a dream last night c/o Facebook and the old friends I have found. It was about this guy I used to have a massive crush on in high school and even though I never went out with him or really even hung with him all that much- I had this realistic dream last night that we met up (now not then) and I was in his sister's house (whom I don't even know) and we stayed up all night talking and it was that feeling you get when you have a crush on someone and your heart is pounding and you are giddy and shy and happy all at the same time. Nothing happened in the dream or anything- oh wait maybe a kiss- but nothing major and honestly I feel nothing- like I have not had any conscious thoughts of hooking up with him - not to mention the fact that he has changed oooohhh so much since high school (haven't we all) in soooo many ways.. but anyway, I woke up feeling young and wanted to go back into my dream and hide for a while. And then of course, I rolled over and saw CC and that just ruined everything..... sigh...

GRATEFUL POST- VOID

Ok I was going to write about another thing I was grateful for a few weeks ago and of course got distracted and forgot about it- and then once I remembered- it didn't seem to make sense anymore. I was going to write about how, even though I have had my share of problems with CC that I was still immensely grateful for the fact that I was able to stay at home with the kids and not have to go back to work and spend a fortune on daycare and have someone else raise them.. So I guess I am still grateful for that- but I hate him so I really don't want to say anything positive about him right now... so forget it....

SECRET 5

I went the entire weekend braless... and for me- not wise, not attractive at all- but if I could get away without wearing one ever again- then I would... sometimes I hate being a girl.....

IGNORING CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOORRRRLLLLLDDDDDD..............

Ok so I have managed for the past 2 days to ignore CC and not say a single word to him - not a one. He slept most of the weekend away (surprise surprise) and the kids and I went about our business and I literally ignored him- pretended he wasn't even there and it was not so bad! It was tolerable! When he came down to watch tv- I found something for me and the kids to do upstairs- like homework or I gave them a bath or I got the kids to help me put laundry away etc. For a time on Sunday I watched an entire movie on my computer with headphones while the kids played- incidentally I finally got to watch Talladega Nights which is, I have to say one of the funniest movies I have ever seen- I mean I was laughing out loud- I really enjoyed it- Anything with Wil Ferrel though is funny you have to admit.. anyway so this morning I dropped the kids off at school- ran over to Walmart for a few things and got a coffee and what do you know - he is still fucken sleeping.. nice life. So now he has just completely ruined my week too- I am to babysit Baby H this week and next and now he's going to be here- fuck sakes- now I have to deal with him and his fucken attitude because god forbid I should do something for someone else. Anyway just biding my time... and praying for my ship to come on so I can sail away on it...

LA--OOO--OOSER !!!!!

Well well well.... you know when someone is down on the ground writhing in pain? Do you really think that is an appropriate time to go and kick them? Or perhaps piss on them ? No- it isn't yet someone obviously does because not only is CC back to his old tricks again- but he got laid off last night- the whole crew of them- then on the way back home gets a speeding ticket- goes to Fatasses house and comes home at 1 a.m. and after I confront him he admits to having "a couple of pints" which he didn't because there was no trace of it I could smell- so which means inevitably he is back to doing coke again. SO I told him (which is true) that he better fess up to whatever it is he is doing because the drug tests I ordered will (hopefully) be here in a couple of days (I had to order it from the states because unlike the US you can't go into a drug store or what not and buy them-)and he will do it- and if he doesn't he is lying obviously and if he does do it and its positive- well he's out so unless that test comes up negative- he's fucked - So now he has no job again and I have to see his fucken face daily now for who knows how long- then he started saying he was going to go out west to work- fuck he should just go - then I could separate from him and not have to have him here in my face or near me or the kids- I could establish the fact he doesn't live here again and have a status quo for the courts meaning he was paying the mortgage here and so the separation agreement would state he has to continue that. So anyway the master plan I had started is fucked now because now he is out of work again and there is no money- I started up a bank account last week and started putting money in it- just $20.00 here or there when I knew he wouldn't miss it so I wouldn't be left high and dry- or if there was something I wanted to get for the kids or me without Mr Selfish going on about Ohh wahh wahh I want to get my new tattoo or boo hoo I want a big screen tv or the Wii or whatever- so that all goes to hell... What a fucken jerk...... I am so mad that I got built back up again- and had that hope that everything was going to work out somehow and it was all going to be ok - he's such a fucken loser.

FACEBOOK= OBSESSHON! (Adam Sandler voice)

OK< for those of you who are not yet on it- I have found FACEBOOK and I love it- what? What do you mean? Jenna- after everything that has been going on you come here and talk about FACEBOOK? What gives? Well my dear friends- FACEBOOK is my way of hiding- oh yes, hiding from the real world- I have been zapped into the past - re-connecting with old lost friends... and I am never coming back!

CAN'T BREATHE.....

So I dropped the kids off at school and just went out- drove around, went to this store, that store- for nothing in particular- just so I didn't have to be in the same house as him planning his demise... So I was in this one clothing store- not even really looking at anything- just wondering and "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" came on- and I started to bawl... why? I do not know- the song is not particularly sad or happy or anything- I think it was because it reminded me of when I was a kid- I had the 45 (does anyone even know what that is? HA) and I used to listen to it all the time - I don't know but I rushed back to my car and sat and cried and smoked until I had to pick the kids up from school. I'm tired of it- I am so tired- I said to myself before- that the next time there would be no tears and poor me's- that I was detached enough to walk away- but fuck this hurts- just fucken hurts, what the hell have I ever done to deserve this? I mean seriously- especially to him- I sat and listened to music and cried and you know what- the honest to God truth is that if I didn't have the kids- I would probably do something really bad- Anyway I sat there in the parking lot and left with only a couple of minutes to spare before I had to get the kids. I literally drove into the driveway, parked and then walked over to the school and on our way back I can see him in the bathroom window- peeking behind the blinds watching, waiting. We were in the house a good 10 minutes before he came down asking me for a smoke. I gave him one and minutes later he was back upstairs for a long time (probably looking for clothes to wear as I have neglected - purposely of course to do his laundry for the past 2 weeks) he comes down, kisses the kids (well, what do you fucken know) and then comes to kiss me at which point I turn my head- and he walks out the door. And now here I sit - on the verge of tears, mind blown, heart aching, trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do - and knowing full well how limited my options are- and he doesn't even care- doesn't even flinch you know- if that were me I would be breaking down - begging for mercy- for forgiveness "I slipped, I'm sorry" - anything- but no- this is CC we are talking about- close our eyes and pretend nothing is happening- such crap.. such utter bullshit- anyway he saw the note I wrote across the whole back of his car (written in dust, dirt you know ) it simply read FUCKEN LIAR ......

LIAR

So I am sitting here- so desperate and stupid thinking that those lottery tickets I bought this morning are going to be winners and I can give him his half and get the fuck out of here- And the desperation is so ridiculous I have even been having thoughts of running over to the casino when I drop the kids back at school this afternoon- talk about delusional. I don't know exactly what is going on, but something is and I am preparing myself for the worst. Woke up out of a dead sleep at 6 a.m. this morning and CC wasn't in bed - so I lied there for a while and thought well he must still be downstairs -so, after all the other thoughts ran through my head I got my ass up and checked and sure enough he wasn't even home. So I called his cell- and he quite innocently told me he was at Fatass' house (the guy he works with- you know the one he lived in Sarnia with and did all those horrible things with) so I was like why? we are playing cards he says- so I am like what the fuck- did you even go to work? he says yes, I tell him I don't understand why the fuck he feels it necessary to go to some one's house after you have worked all night to play cards at 5 in the morning. He's acting like what's the big deal- what ever do you mean? Like a stupid fuck... anyway he says he'll be home soon- whatfuckenever- so then I hear his car pull in and I let the dog out for a pee only he's taking a long time to come in so I walk down the walkway and see him putting something in his trunk and he sees me then and I ask him what he is doing and he says he's getting his lunch bag. I was all why is it in your trunk? He always throws it in the back seat- then proceeds to tell me they are driving with yet another guy and he had to make room. So he comes in and I am telling him I know he is up to something and he is lying- and he's denying and whatnot and I tell him of he isn't lying then he won;t mind taking a drug test to prove it- and he says- and if it comes up negative? And I say- then I will apologize- and he says I think I would deserve more than an apology... and that was it- I snapped, I lost it- I said you deserve more than apology? You do? What about me? What have I done? What have I ever done to you ? And he says nothing- and I said that's right but all I got was shit on and a half hearted apology- you fucked around on me - you lied and did all your fucken drugs and I stood by and helped you mother fucker and you think I owe you- I owe you nothing but a kick in the balls you fucken prick and you are so lucky you haven't gotten that yet- don't you ever say you are owed anything- and then he got up and went to bed.. so I get the kids ready for school and then I go out to check the car- his back seat is full of papers and shit- he never drove anyone unless they sat on all of it which I doubt- LIE - then I check his trunk to see what he was hiding and there stuffed into his hard hat is all of his lunch (most of it- the rest was still in his lunch bag) that I had made him for that night. So I storm into our room- he is now pretending he is sleeping- and I say nice try fucker I know you are awake- you are done- he's all why? I said what the fuck is your lunch doing in your trunk? It fell out he says (if you saw his lunch bag you too would know he was a fucken liar) and I said it did eh- it all magically fell out ? And he's all yeah so I just left it- Oh you just left 3 sandwiches and cucumbers and everything else just lying in your trunk but put the other stuff back in? Yeah he says- all annoyed... And you didn't eat your lunch because......? He has no answer. So here we go again... he's fucken lying and he's doing something and so now I know this is it- it's done- I am done- I am not doing this anymore- Got to get my head together and figure something out- he has to leave- I have to do something- this cannot go on... Fuck I am so mad- it fucken pisses me off that now my life has to change because of his fuck ups and his shit- me and the kids have to start over because of his fucken shit.. I am so fucken tired.. I am just so tired and broken...

UMPALOOMPAS

So, Thursday night I am hanging out with the kids and my bestest friend calls so I went upstairs into my room to talk to her so I could have a normal conversation without interruption. So anyway I am up there maybe 5 minutes and here comes Little Pickle... She says to me "Do you notice anything different about me?" And I look, and I really didn't and then.. it hit me.. she cut her hair! She had taken her "safety scissors" and cut off all of her bangs. Now her bangs were quite long, and we actually were supposed to all go get hair cuts that day but because Little Man had just gotten out of the hospital early that morning I was like fuck that noise, I am not traipsing 3 kids to a barbershop today.. So anyway I gasped when I realized what she did, she panicked and started bawling "it's all my fault, it's all my fault" (that's her favourite dramatic line) and she's just hysterical, tears flowing- so S is still on the phone with me and she's laughing and I'm trying not to- and Pickle is just loosing it "I don't' even look like me!" on and on- and then she stands up- looks at herself in my mirror and with tears streaming, she cries out " I LOOK LIKE WILLY WONKA!" and she flops down on the bed and cries some more. Well, at this point I am just dying laughing and so is S. I am trying to tell her it is not so bad and we can fix it (yeah right) and she finally calms down.. I guess it isn't too too bad- I am used to her having longer bags- but it'll grow- it is pretty uneven though.. and wouldn't ya know- in another week or so the school is having their "graduation" photos done for them for graduating form Kindergarten to grade one so she'll have some lovely bangs for that photo! I'm going to post a pic her- its not too bad really- but man I wish the video camera was rolling for all of that- too funny!

TAKE A DEEP BREATH

So on Wednesday I was back at the hospital with Little Man. Just the day before he started with a runny nose but the next day he was waking me at 6 a.m. coughing and crying. I knew it wasn't good. I kept them all home from school for the morning- no one wanted to get up anyway. So in the afternoon I took Curly and Pickle over to school and then Little Man and I were off to the hospital. Even though there was like a 3 hour wait- they took him right in- his SAT levels were so low. So we started with a mask of course and then a dose of steroids. It didn't do too much- so after another 2 mask treatments, they sent us home with a prescription for more steroids and orders to watch him to see if he got any better. So I race home, and in the meantime CC had gotten the other 2 from school- I had just enough time to get Pickle dressed and off we go to dance school. While she is in class, I run over to get Little Man's prescription filled, back to pick up Pickle and home to get everyone dinner. When I get home Little Man is crying and I could hear he was wheezing and coughing a lot. I get diner ready and realize he isn't getting any better. I pack a bag of colouring books and crayons and decide it's best to take him back- he sounded worse! Sure enough he was, his SAT levels were even lower than before... so, long story short-chest x-rays, another 4 mask treatments, and 2 more doses of steroids and we were home at 4 A.M.! They wanted to admit him but I didn't want that- so I agreed if the last mask didn't do anything we would - needless to say it it worked - he was doing much better by the time we left and I got him home and right into bed. What a long long long night- I still haven't fully caught up on all my sleep.. he's doing better though- poor little lamb... Now we just have to get Curly fixed up- waiting now for an appointment for a urologist- in JUNE! Jesus...

LIFE WITH A PICKLE

Ok so the drama has escalated with the loose tooth- still in- still wiggly- but not yet ready to come out. So the other night, Pickle was eating something and she must have bit the wrong way and kinda nudged her loose tooth- there was a tiny tiny bit of blood and of course she carried on like a lunatic for ages. So that night, I am tucking her in and this is how our conversation went....

P: " Aren't you so worried about me?"
ME: " Why?"
P: " Because of my tooth!"
ME: " I'm not worried Pickle, it's just a part of life. It'll all be alright."
P: " But I don't want my tooth to fall out."
ME: " Pickle you have been waiting to get a loose tooth for ages- I thought you wanted your tooth to come out?"
P: " Well, I thought I did but I didn't know there would be blood so I think I changed my mind. I'm just so nervous."
ME: " About what?"
P:" About the tooth fairy- I don't think I am ready to see her."
ME:" Well, you won't see her, she comes at night when you are sleeping."
Pickle with a big sigh and worried look : " I guess I'm just not used to fairies... let's talk about this tomorrow mama..."


Geez.....

OK, OK, I HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING- I THINK

OK so after the "incident" at school the other day I made Little Man write apology notes to the teacher, the principal and the boy in question. We had a little talk about language and I started up the reward charts again- we stopped doing them over the Christmas holidays- I guess I had other things on my mind at the time (ya think??!!) anyway back to reward for good behavior - so we will see what happens... sigh.. I couldn't stop thinking about it- I mean it was funny- well, the letter was funny anyway but I don't want my Little Man to be known as the kid with the potty mouth....

JUST LOVELY....

So Little Man did something real bad in school today- 5 years old and we are already getting sent to the principal. Juuuuusst... grrrreat.... this is the letter that got sent home- he had to sign it- the teacher wrote it out....

WHAT CHOO NEED EGGS FO'?

Ok so after the dentist today the kids and I went to the grocery store and picked up a couple dozen eggs and did some egg dying. It occurred to me that my children had never dyed Easter eggs. It amazes me sometimes that the littlest things- the simple things in life are the things I get to show them for the first time- it's so cool to me- they may never remember- but I will- I think it is pretty cool. Come to think of it though- and I could be wrong- but I never recall my mother ever doing stuff like this with us- again, maybe I am wrong- but I sure as hell don't remember it if she did. Anyway so we dyed some, painted some and made a big fat mess- but it was pretty cool...

UPDATES

OK so first thing first- regarding my last post about CC- I asked him about it- why he didn't eat etc- and without hesitation or thought- he told me the foreman got pizzas' for all of them and that is why he didn't eat- I totally believe that as I know in the past on almost any job he has been on this is a common occurrence- the not sleeping thing- shit happens I guess- HOWEVER... now I have another issue- so last night on his way to work he took out $60.00- which in itself is more than enough to bring for a night considering he had smokes and a full lunch- then he sold some pot (long story short he bought some before he went into rehab and I had it under guard since he got out and he asked me for it the other day because some guy at work was looking for some- I doubt every much this is the issue because pot makes him sleep and eat a lot- so I didn't have a problem giving it to him to get rid of) so anyway he says he sold it- gave it to the guy for $40.00- so that's now $100.00- then on his way to work tonight he took out another $40.00. Now I just found out all of this just now- and I called him- actually I texted messaged him to call me when he had time. So he calls and I asked him what the fuck?- Why did he need to get out money tonight if he had 100.00 last night? He says oh he needed gas and he put in for the group lottery and there is this pool and that pool and on and on- so I said- you know I have heard all of these same excuses a million times- I'm not buying it- then he snaps and tells me he is busy and he doesn't have time for this he will speak to me tomorrow. So here we go- I can feel it- the beginning of the end- I just know something is going on- nothing makes sense.... I know I have to be strong and hold my ground but I honestly don't think I can go through all of this again- I don't think I am physically able to do it... anyway I will keep you updated on the situation.. as of tomorrow I am confiscating the bank card from him..
So today the kids had their first trip to the dentist - yes, some may argue that it is a little late and I should have done it sooner- but I thin I put my fears into play here and even though I booked them in a half dozen times over the past 2 years- either someone was sick or something came up or whatever- anyway they went in and the whole time my stomach was aching- I felt almost sick. But all 3 did great- so brave- no fear- and no cavities- thank goodness! They all thought it was pretty cool and so now I don't have to worry about them being afraid to go - that first experience is so important- if they have a bad one- it could fuck them for life in terms of being afraid etc.. anyway all is well...

SOMETHING IS AMISS

Ok so last Friday CC started a new job- working night shift and might I add, working and driving into work with the same guy he lived with, drank with, did drugs with, cheated on their wives with in Sarnia. Needless to say I am not happy about any of it at all- but I cannot control him- I am not his mother and I cannot make his decisions for him. I lectured him last week after he went to a meeting and didn't come home until 2 a.m. and all the while didn't answer his cell or anything- I told him this was it- I reminded him I had already let him go in so many ways that this time, there would be no second guessing on my part- this time- he would be gone and that would be the end of it- I told him- this was his last chance with me and the kids one more fuck up- just one time and it will all be over- no more- no way- no how. So anyway he starts last Friday at this job and I already know in my heart it is not a good thing- too many temptations- being with the same people he used to do drugs with working nights- none of it is good- but he assures me it's all good- he can handle it- nothing's going to happen. So at this point I have no proof- but I have had this bad feeling all day today- just all these little things combined have got me wondering - I got up at 7 today - this kids had school- and when I woke up there he was lying awake- I said "have you not been to bed yet" no he says- he says he can't sleep- he had a coffee on the way home and now he can't fall asleep. So ok, I get that- it happens- but then as I am getting the kids' breakfast I notice that everything I packed for lunch for him is in the fridge- everything. Now for the past few nights he has had me make him all sorts of stuff- they get a lot of breaks at work and he finds himself hungrier during the night- so fine, I pack him a shit load of stuff for lunch- and he ate none of it- nothing.- So the not sleeping business and the non-eating is telling me something is not right- I am going to give him another hour to sleep and then we are going to have a nice chat about all of this. Oh yes my friend, we will talk... so I thought I would just write about it and see if my intuition is still working or if I am just having a trust issue again... but will he even admit it? that remains to be seen.....

ONE YEAR AND COUNTING

So I realized that today is officially my one year anniversary of blogging. And what a year it has been.... I'm glad I started this- because I know I wouldn't be writing in my journal- so at least this way when I am old, I can remember what the hell happened in my life!

EASTER TIME

So I took the kids to the mall the other day too see the Easter Bunny- it was all pretty awkward- "why doesn't the Easter Bunny talk?" "that's not the real one right mom?" "he's too big to be the Easter Bunny" Anyway it was a cute photo-op. It's funny but when they were younger I would take them 3 or 4 times to see the Mall Santa in hopes that I could get one picture of all of them looking the same way at the same time and smiling- it never happened...

EXCITING NEWS!!!

BINGO !!!!!!

Ok so I am NOT an avid lottery player. Maybe, if I can remember or have the luxury of leaving the house without all 3 in tow, I will take the time to pick my numbers and play $ 2.00 or sometimes $5.00- that's right folks- I'm a big spender. Anyway last week I actually got $5.00 worth- one line of my numbers, and one "quick pick" plus the encore number- so anyway I checked the day after the draw and got the first number, then the second, (insert heart pounding here) then the third (insert heavy breathing) then the fourth (insert pant wetting) and then .... ok that was it. But 4 numbers out of 6 not bad so I look at the payouts and I swear I read it was $10.00- so ok ten bucks is ten bucks, I doubled my money and it will give me enough to buy another round from both lotteries- so what the hell. So today I go to buy some smokes from this little store near my house and I brought my purse in, which I never do, I usually just bring in my card or the required amount of cash- so anyway I get in there and figure- well, I have that ticket I may as well trade it in and get the other tickets for the rest of the week while I am here. So the guy takes my ticket and puts it in the machine- I hear the music (looove that song!) and I look up at it casually because I already knew I won the $10.00 right but when I look it does not say $10.00- oh no it says $105.00!!! So I looked away thinking it hadn't registered properly or something and the guy says "one hundred and five dolla" (my little Chinese man) So because I am a goof ball, and because I was so shocked I say (with a line up of people behind me) "Are you fucken kidding me? I just won $105.00??!" So I was all giddy and gay and doing a happy dance and I knew everyone else was annoyed but I did not care- I have never won more than $10.00- so this was a moment I will take thanks very much! So anyway wooo whoo- I won some money, I won some money! And boy do we need it. Of course I have needed it for the last few months- but I will take it when I can get it- TONIGHT... WE EAT LIKE KINGS!!! Muhahahahahahah Muuuu hahahahhahah!!!

THE SWEETEST THING

Curly and Pickle are looking out into the backyard. We had a little taste of spring in terms of weather and we were talking about going outside to play. Just then, it starts to rain. Everyone was disappointed and I said something along the lines of -that's the way it goes in spring- it rains a lot. Curly looks at me and says: "It's not rain mom, it's tears." "OH?" I said, and he says "Yeah mom, the clouds are sad and they are crying- let's try to cheer them up...."

THE STATE OF MY UNION ADDRESS

So let's see, what can I say about my "union" without being cheesey. Well, CC is still going to his meetings 3-4 times a week which keeps things in check I guess. He has since quit the job he was at which I wasn't too pleased about but understand completely. He had far too much time on his hands and was working in some not so desirable areas. I totally get why he quit but obviously wish he wouldn't have seeing as though he quit even before he got one paycheque which leaves us still struggling from day to day. He does have a new prospect on the job front, but the "when factor" is at play here- when will he get in there? Will it be this week? Next? Who knows.. it's all rather stressful to me and well, of course having him here 24/7 is ok- not like the old days where I would be climbing the walls and have a knot in my stomach- but still- the kids went back to school this week after March break and I would have liked to have gotten myself back on track- my stuff came in from the school so I can start my assignments- but just having him here- I dunno- he's kinda needy- likes to be around me all the time, wants to always know, what I'm up to, whatcha doing where ya going? It's kinds grating on my nerves ever so slightly although I would take this CC over the old one any day. So anyway so we are good- and him with the kids- holy crap- you wouldn't even know it was the same person- he is awesome- not over the top- but completely 100% better than he was- still room for improvement- but more than I ever expected. And the kids are loving it- knowing they can talk to him or ask him something without him jumping down their throats. He's been rough housing with them and my kids get freaky when you do that- like they don't know when to stop- but he keeps on with them you know - and they laugh- they laugh with their daddy- and how can you complain about that? So it's good- it's all pretty good right now- still have my guard up- still nervous sometimes, still waiting for the axe to fall some days, but for the most part, I am taking it day by day and enjoying what is, for the moment, and hoping I can say the same tomorrow....

THIS AND THAT

Ok I have a few little things to say so I will put them all in this one post as opposed to several little ones. Ok first off, I always hated the spellcheck on the old blogger thing but with the new google version- just love it.. No, not important in life- just thought I would share.
Went today to pick up my night gaurd from the dentist- I somehow manage to bite the inside of my mouth while I sleep and this is supposed to stop me- anyway I just went to pick it up and the receptionist who really is a nice lady goes to get it for me, and she's talking to me explaining what to do with it- (really though, what's to do? It's a mold of my teeth - I put it in my mouth- how hard can it be?) Anyway so as she is explaining it to me, she is taking it out of the package and I am watching her thinking- ok, that's ok, I got it from here- pass it on over. But no she keeps talking and now she's got the plastic off of it- and now she's running her finger over the thing and into the grooves showing me how to brush it with my toothbrush when I take it out- I MEAN COME ON! This thing is going in my mouth! She asked me if I wanted to try it out to see if it fit ok- NO THANKS! I should have but after that I just couldn't. That really urked me- I mean come on woman- have some cooth here- don't touch shit that is going in my mouth! Anyway I just wanted to share- it just bugged the shit out of me....
This morning I also had to drop off another urine sample of Joshy's. Yesterday I had to take him for an ultrasound because he is still having problems with his little winky. It doesn't hurt as much now when he pees, and there is no blood but his "stream" is soooo thin it takes him forever to pee- poor little lamb. So they have to check to see if there is blockage somewhere and go from there. They took a lot of pictures though I mean a lot. stacks. But I guess they were being thorough but it worries me now. I hope and hope and hope everything is going to be ok with him or at least if it is something small that they can fix painlessly and easily- my poor little guy....
Today is the last day of school for the kids and then it is March Break! They get about 11 days off I think and it will be nice to have them at home, but it sucks because we are so broke I can't really do anything with them. I want to go up and see S, so we will do that- but really, what's to do? Sigh....
I sent away for my final credit course for my diploma. I still can't believe after all of these years and after only needing one credit to graduate that I haven't done anything about it. I suck. Well, I'll do it this time and then at least I can say I have my highschool diploma. The stupid thing is, is that I went and took college night course classes (3 of them I think) and yet I never did anything to get my diploma- duhh... well, this is it- I will do it this time...

GRATEFUL

Ok this grateful moment is kinda a one shot deal- and restored my faith- ever so slightly in humanity. So yesterday the kids had their last swim class of this semester or whatever it is. So of course, we are running late- We usually get there right on time but this time we were definitely late. So anyway I pull up- get a perfect parking spot right in front of the doors which in itself was odd- and I start hearding the kids out of the van and I am rushing, grabbing my purse, the huge gym bag full of towels, hairdryer etc etc etc.. anyway and it was colder than ever out too- just freaking freezing. So Anyway I had started the van before we left with my second set of keys so when we got out of the van I should have had 2 sets of keys with me. So I thought I shoved both sets in my pocket and off we go running to get the kids into swim class. While the kids are swimming I start going through my pockets and passing time you know and I realize I only have 1 set of keys with me. So I figure I left them in the car or they fell out of my pocket in the car which incidentally happened just the day before. So swimming is over and of course it takes me forever to get the 3 of them dried and dressed and hair dried and whatnot so we are gone for over an hour before we get back to the van. I get all the kids into the van and buckle them up, and from the passenger side I look around me seat and floor to see if I dropped the keys there- nope. So I walk around to my side and see lying on the ground beside my driver's side door is my second set of keys. And it looked as though they had been stepped on- so someone definitely walked right between my van and another for sure. See, anyone could have come walking past seen the keys and said, hey- here's a free van- keys are right here- oh hey look, it comes with 3 car seats and a portable dvd player- whoo hoo! It would be like winning the lottery for some dishonest person wouldn't it? I am so lucky! Because of the fact we were parked like right in front of a main door and people are walking in and out constantly- I am sooooo lucky that no one stole my van. So I am grateful my van didn't get stolen yesterday- so so so grateful!

SECRETS-4

I make list for everything. Mostly just for things I have to do that day. My secret is that even if I have already done something that day I write it on my list anyway and check it off just to make myself feel like I have accomplished more- even the silly little things...

FINALLY- PHOTOS!!

HERE IS OUR CUP O' CHOCOLATE OUR RICE CRISPIES FOR DIPPIN'! HILLARIOUS!

(see post below entitled "Wedding Crasher" to find out what this all means!)

MY SISTER AND I BEING POSERS!

saucy !
Hey there!
What are we looking at?
Andrea Martin look-a-like ! This will most probbaly be the first and last time I put a full face pic of me on the net- I don't think I need to explain why...so enjoy while you can...

Duhhh...

Ok I didn't activate my account yet- my bad.. carry on....

WTF?????

So I went to sign into my "Dashboard" an attempt once more to download the pictures from the wedding I was at, and it prompted me to switch to this newer Google version or something or other promising nothing would change or anything like that. OK yeah so, Not only do I not even have an icon for spell check, bold, text color, but there isn't even an icon for adding pictures- Like what the fuck? Now it is worse than it was before... what the hell... I am too tired to deal right now, I shall fight the blogger battle tomorrow... goodnight my monkies.....

WHAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR -2

Today, I am going to talk about my in-laws. Now, you have all seen my posts or comments about the MIL. And most have not been too pleasant. I am however, very grateful that the 2 of them are in my life regardless of how crazy they can drive me. When I think about all they have done for me, for us, for the kids, it just really gives me a lump in my throat. Like today for example, I was talking to the MIL and she heard me tell Curly I had no more bread and he would have to wait til mommy ran to the store to get some. And knowing that CC was sick in bed, they ran over with a loaf of bread, plus some treats for the kids and some coffee for me. It's just things like that you know, all the little things they do all the time that makes me think, how can I complain about them when they do so much? Financially without them for the last 3 months I would be living in a van down by the river, and some may argue that it was their son who got us into this mess, but you know what even if it wasn't I bet they would still have been there for us. They have always been so good with the kids too, and all the stuff they used to help us out with when they were young, buying diapers, formula, clothes. I have never had anyone in my life ever do as much as they do for me, us, without ever expecting or wanting anything in return- never. It just makes me feel secure knowing they will always be there if we ever need them. CC's dad is the dad I never had. He will do anything for us, even the menial shitty things like mowing the grass for me or doing repairs around the house. And then he's the same guy who with all his health problems will go toboganning with me and the kids, He's really great. And even know the MIL is from a completely different cloth than I, she is there in her own little way to make things easier on me with groceries, or taking the kids over night- even if it is only once every few months. So I, (insert name here) am truly completely thankful for my in laws and grateful they are so much a part of my life. I don't know what I would do without them.

SECRETS 3

In my kitchen hangs a clock. It's my Christmas clock and each hour it plays a different Christmas song. Everyone asks me why I don't take it down and I tell them because I don't have another one to replace it with but the truth is, I miss Christmas. Everytime I hear one of those Christmas songs, I imagine my tree still up, wrapping presents, enjoying all the Christmasy things with the kids, and the excitement in the air. I am still angry at the fact that my last Christmas was totally fucked up and I know I have said this before but I don't feel like Christmas came at all. So by having my little Christmas clock up, for 15 seconds each hour, I can pretend it's the Christmas I missed out on last year...

60 DAYS SOBER

Yesterday, CC "celebrated" 60 days sober by puking all day. Oh yes, my 4th child has come down with the same thing the little ones did. Lovely. I still am amazed how 99% of the time I don't catch what everyone else has even though for the most past I was up to my ass in puke all week. It doesn't seem logical that they catch it from each other so easily and I don't catch it at all... wait a second.. maybe I should shut up, I may jinx myself.

So speaking of CC, its been a rough couple of weeks for him. First of all one day (did I tell you this? mmm. I don't recall, if I did- just nod politely and let me carry on and think I am telling you all something you have never heard before even though you are slightly annoyed that I have no recollection of telling you this before and you really don't want to hear it again- if I haven't on the other hand, well, you'll be learning about something else from my life then won't you?) Anyhoooo, CC had to make a trip to a dentist while he was in the treatment centre because of a tooth ache he had- they put in a temporary filing and told him to see his regular dentist when he got back but that the filing was good for about 6 months.. So one day he wakes up and tell me the tooth with the temp filing was really sore. So I make an appointment for like a few days later and left it at that. Well, the next morning CC woke up and he was not CC- he was the Nutty Professor! The whole side of his face was so swollen it was incredible. I had to laugh- yes I am mean, but I did truly have to laugh- I though he had stuffed something up in his cheeks or something- it was massive! Anyway needless to say his tooth or whatever got infected and we got him to the dentist so they could prescribe antibiotics. So he was on those for a week and then the poor guy ends up having to get a root canal done. Yikes. So during this time- it was like a week in total, he did not go to one meeting. He was in so much pain. I started to get worried because even though there was this underlying issue- things started to get a little too comfortable. Like he was slowly slipping back into his lazy ways- lying around doing nothing- ignoring all of us. I mentioned to him that he should maybe go to a meeting and he shot me down. I knew he wasn't doing anything because he never left the house- so I felt ok with knowing that- but it started to get a little scary to me. So then he starts work Tuesday and he hates it- and now he's got the stomach flu. What a kick in the ass. We had a long talk today and he told me he was a little depressed and emotional the last week or so and he didn't know why. He knows part of it is because he hates the job he is at now. He also said he has been having using dreams. He used to have them a lot when he was in treatment and it scares the shit out of him. Like literally he will dream he is doing blow or whatever and then when he wakes up he is literally hung over or feels like he is coming down from the drug. It's all this psychological shit- pretty scary. So last night he had another and woke up feeling extra bad because on top of that he is sick too right, its crazy shit. So anyway what CC told me was that in treatment they go on about how much your life will change when you are sober and you can live "happy joyous and free" and basically he is waiting for that happy joyous and free feeling. He says home is great- he's been real good with the kids and they ask where he is when he is not here which is a big deal because for months they never asked about him at all. Pickle gets worried when I say he is at work because she automatically thinks he is away for work again so we have to constantly re-assure her that he will be home that night. CC says the main thing is that even though he isn't using anymore and pissing away all the money- we are in so much debt that even though we should have all this extra money because he isn't using, we don't. He only started working a few days ago and the bills are piled high, there seems like no relief in the immediate future and he is having a hard time dealing with that. He knows why we have no money, and he knows he can make a shit load if he wanted to- but he doesn't because that will bring him back to the places people and things that got him into trouble in the first place. I think really he expected that after he got out and came home everything would fall into place and be great and wonderful and a lot of it is, but it all can't be fixed in one day. I see what he is feeling. I kinda feel the same way too. Things are ok don't get me wrong- but the "honeymoon" of his recovery is over- he's not as lovely dovey as he was the first week or so- and that's ok because truthfully it was all a bit nauseating to me, but I can see how our expectations let us down. Bottom line is, he is having trouble adjusting to sober life and not having everything perfect or as perfect as he wants them to. And in the old days he would just get high so he didn't;t have to think about it or deal with it- but now I guess he has to find new ways of dealing with stress and life's up's and down's in general and it is hard for him. I have a little trouble understanding that because all of us "normal" people have been doing that our whole lives and don't need drugs or alcohol to deal with the shit we go through, but then again, we aren't addicts....

WHAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR -1

ok I am only going to put one things down each time I blog or else I will sit here for hours and then this will turn out to be a one segment thing... so the one thing I will share with you all today that I am truly grateful for is my children's health. Oh yes we had a bad few days but sometimes it just blows my mind that I had 3 babies- all at one time and all of them are fine- perfect- beautiful. I mean what are the odds, really? When I went into the hospital for my bedrest a moth or so before they were born, they told me Pickle was so small, and so under-nourished that the likelihood of her being blind, or retarded or both was extremely high if she lived at all- and look at her now- it's unreal- and my Little Man having such trouble breathing when he was born- yes he has asthma, but its controlled, and we know when to run to the hospital with him and he always makes it out unscathed. 3 babies- at one time and all are healthy and strong and so smart- it is amazing to me. I know so many people with just one baby that have big problems- and I have 3 and nothing! It's incredible to me. I watched Dr. Phil the other day who had this lady on who had triplet girls, and all 3 of them are blind and deaf. My heart goes out to her - I don't know how she does it- how she gets through each day but I tell you what it just makes me feel all the more grateful for my healthy babies- how can anyone possibly ask for anything more? So I am truly honestly sincerely grateful for my babies health and I feel so lucky that all of them are ok.... Truly truly truly....

IT ONLY GOT WORSE FROM THERE....

So when last I left you all, I was up to my ass in laundry and tending to Little Man. Well, when I went upstairs after the final load (or so I thought) was in for the night, I put Curly in my bed and nestled in to his hoping Little Man was done for the evening. Little did I know, my night was far from over. About 4 a.m. Pickle came into the room, very calm and collected and said "Mama, I think I puked." I hadn't even started to fall asleep yet- so I sprang into action. Sure enough- she thought right. She had managed- as they all seem to do, to puke on everything on her bed- so here we go again- sheets, pillows, comforter, jammies- all changed- Pickle all cleaned up and now a second family puke bowl. I get that all done and head back into the boys' room and just as I walk in, Little Man is crying holding his tummy and there we go again- this time though I got the bowl under him before I had yet another bed change to do. Poor little lamb- he does not handle puking as well as the other two- he cries and cries. He even said at one point "I think I like coughing instead" meaning when he gets his "asthma colds". I felt so sorry for him. So anyway no word of a lie or exaggeration at all- for the next 3 hours I was back and forth from each room- emptying puke bowls, washing faces, rinsing mouths, consoling children- CC was up showered and off to work and I hadn't even gotten a lick of sleep yet- I was very very close to my breaking point- but what do you do? Poor little things so sick- it brought me back to the days when they were first born and I had all 3 alone to feed and burp and change every 2 hours- I was lucky back them to get an hour or two a night total. I don't know how I did that for so long alone- but I did it. Finally about 9:00 I got both back asleep, and laid my head down- thank goodness my kids like to sleep in.. Curly got up about 10:30 and I felt bad for him too because now he's feeling all better and mommy was in no mood to play star wars video games or Yu gio cards or whatever the hell those things were called. He was so good all day. I was back and forth with Pickle and Little Man, tending to them, trying to get them to drink as much as possible, etc and so on and he spent most of the day in my room watching cartoons. He was so good about it all... So there ya go.. the night form hell- every one seems pretty good now- not 100% yet, and I am still having trouble getting them to eat, but no more puking since last night.. and for that I am truly grateful.... Speaking of which (and yes, I know I still "owe" you all some pics which I still can't upload for some reason, and the updates on CC) I am starting a new "segment" in my posts here about gratitude. Every day, or at least each time I blog, I am going to put down something I am truly grateful for in my life. It kinda goes with the whole SECRET things which I know I still haven't written about yet. But, even though there are a lot of pretty screwed up things going on right now (nothing major- just the realities of life really) I am trying to focus on the positive things and stop focusing on negative ones. So, one of the ways is to be truly grateful for what you have to allow you to welcome something else. "You cannot accept anything new in your life unless and until you are truly grateful for what you already have". So, that is what I am trying to do....

MOTHER'S INSTINCTS

Since I have become a mother, I have realized the power of instincts- a mother's instincts- it is all sometimes painfully true- all those things I heard about it all the years of my life. Case and point- on a good day I can only hear out of one of my ears- the other is usually "cloudy" as I like to call it , rarely are both my ears "working" at the same time- yet somehow, some way I can be in a dead sleep with both of my ears "not working" and still hear the muffled noises from the next room of one of my babies- or is it that I just know? Curly came down with the stomach flew (yes again) a couple of days ago- the first time he puked he screamed and I went running of course - CC ended up taking Little Man into our room and I slept in Little Man's bed the rest of the night to be close to Curly- mainly because I was afraid because I couldn't hear, that he would be crying or choking and I wouldn't hear him- but each and everytime (and this went on all night- almost every hour on the hour) he would make that little noise before he puked, I was up sliding across the bed and had that bowl (you know the family puke bowl- the one every family owns) under his mouth the catch the vomit as it came out- it was like Duke's of Hazzard the way I slid across that bed- anyway just today Curly started feeling better and just when I thought the other 2 had escaped it miraculously this time, Little Man has been puking non-stop for the last few hours- the problem is- CC has to be up at 5 to go to work- I cannot and will not ask him to be a part of all of this- and number 2 Little Man is not very into the bowl thing- he cannot bring himself to vomit in a bowl- so he does it whenever and wherever he can. Now, I had 2 sets of sheets and 1 comforter for each of them- Little Man went through all of them in about a half hour- so here it is, 2:30 a.m. and I am on my 5th load of laundry because don't ya know he hit every pillow sheet and blanket on his bed every time and literally no sooner do I get one washed that I am up there getting another to bring down to wash and my dryer sucks so it takes like 2 hours to dry a load.. anyway my point is, even being down here in the basement and him being 2 floors up, the tv on and the washer and dryer going, I can hear the slightest noise, or not even, just get a feeling like I should go and check on him and every single time, even without a whimper from him, he has puked and is in need of mama.. it just amazes me.. anyway got to put another load in.. sigh... it's going to be a late night.. BTW, I am having trouble posting pics, I wanted to put some up of the wedding from the other night.. stay tuned, I'll try again tomorrow...